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University Transfers to New Bone Based Meal Plan with Bone Appetite
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 Students returning from their summer break were surprised to find the meal stations in their dining halls filled with various animal bones. The change prompted by the…
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Your Favorite Presidential Candidates, Reimagined as Disney Princesses
By Jacob Johnson Oct. 10, 2016 Gary Johnson (Sleepy Gary) Originally born in the far-away land of Aleppo, Sleepy Gary was cursed as a child by an evil witch from childhood to fall…
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Drinking sweet tea above the Mason-Dixon is cultural appropriation
By Liam Coles April 23, 2016 CJust the other day, controversy broke out recently after it was discovered that several groups above the Mason Dixon line have been were selling the beverage, originally…
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143 Likes on Facebook? This Wasn’t Worth Writing a Thesis For
By Chase Harrison May 16, 2016 8 months. 40 books. 9 drafts. 30 meetings with my advisersor. 9 all– nighters. 90 pages. And all I get are 143 likes on Facebook. Are you…
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Local Couple Announce Relationship has Been Cancelled
By Katie Zellner May 13, 2016 Jen Karamchandny and Joe Gaddis have announced that they are discontinuing their relationship after a successful three season run. Mutual friend and self-described producer of the relationship,…
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Student Bouncing Leg Up and Down Shows No Sign of Stopping
By Nik Varley April 23, 2016 SourcesStudents in Professor Pierce Jackson’s SOSC 113 class informed confirmed that fellow studenttThe Dealer that student Graham Larson began bouncing his right leg up and down at…
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First-Year Encourages Voting
By Morgan Pantuck March 13, 2016 Just moments ago, first-year student and budding political activist Marissa Newbolt encouraged her Facebook friends, 99% of whom support the Democratic Party, to vote in the upcoming…
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An Open Letter to My House Wellczar
By Abigail Fitsworth Feb. 18, 2016 Dear Sir or Madam: Upon moving into residential housing as a first year, I was delighted to learn about the existence of “Wellczars,” such as yourself, whose…
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Founding Fathers Strike Ben Franklin’s “Free Love” Amendment from Bill of Rights
By Nik Varley, 1787 Jan. 22, 2016 Sources at the Constitutional Convention told Sources at the Constitutional Convention told the Shady Dealer this morning that the American Constitution will not include Ben Franklin’s…
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Bernie Sanders Leans Too Far Left in Debate; Falls Down
By Anna Newport Jan. 18, 2016 Charleston, S.C. –—- Tragedy was narrowly averted at the Democratic debate Sunday night when Bernie Sanders, the 74-year-old Senator from Vermont, leaned too far left in his…
