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Second Year Attempts to Leave Class for Bathroom, Several Hundred Grad Students Join
By Olivia Reeves Oct. 18, 2018 At 11:03 this morning, second year Callie Plimmer found more support than she anticipated behind her choice to leave Gender Civ to use the bathroom, when…
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UChicago Unveils New “Disorientation” Week
By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018 In an arguably predictable turn of events this week, the UChicago Dean of Students John “Jay” Ellison announced that the College would no longer be holding…
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Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program…
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Ask Grorg
By Grorg – Lascaux, 45,000 BCE May 1, 2018 Dear Grorg, Me Want Relationship, But Only Man Around Is Neanderthal. Still hit? From: Cavewoman Seeking Caveman Hello Cavewoman, As somebody who have Neanderthal…
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Need a Cover Letter Template? The Shady Dealer Has You Covered
By Jack Toole April 20, 2018 Dear Sir or Madam: It is my wish that you gainfully employ me at your institution. My entire life has been filled with a deep and abiding…
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Why I Only Eat Non-GMO Ass
By Megan Parsons Feb. 20, 2018 If you’re a smart shopper, you already know why it’s important to eat organic, free-range ass without additives or artificial preservatives. Personally, I like my ass without…
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5 Homeopathic Remedies to Try Before Calling Your Parents Who Are Doctors
By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Are you struggling with dry skin? Nursing an earache? Hounded by stomach bloat? You’ll find all sorts of “western industrial medicines” for these ailments at your local…
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Student Health Recommends Mindfulness to Visibly Bleeding Third Year
By Nik Varley Oct. 17, 2017 At approximately 5:56 p.m., third– year student Matt Crawford reported to the University of Chicago’s Student Health Services seeking treatment for a sizable abdominal wound. Upon examining…
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UC Leaks
By Leaked Docs Reveal Budgetary Chaos and Ambitious Plans Aug. 25, 2017 On August 8, a CSD reporter from the Dealer identified sSeventy– eight pages of internal uUniversity documents amidst a stack of…
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UC Leaks: University Plans to Build Literal “Information Superhighway” across the Midway
By Elijah Wolter Aug. 17, 2017 A report contained in the documents outlines plans for the construction of a 115-acre state-of-the-art telecommunications complex stretching from Cottage Grove Ave. to Lake Michigan. It did…
