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“There’s No Money for a Living Wage,” Announces Zimmer from $30 Million Dollar Francis and Rose Yuen Center in Hong Kong
By Chase Harrison Jan. 17, 2017 With his voice echoing through the 70 foot tall glass ceiling of the lobby of the Francis and Rose Yuen Center, UChicago President Robert Zimmer announced that…
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Opinion: If You Eat Prosciutto, You Are No Longer a Member of the Proletariat
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 The current state of our capitalist system is dire. We need everyoneall people we can to turn back the rising tide of the neo-fascist, white supremacist bourgeoisie.…
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FDA Approves Fuckboy Cones
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 14, 2016 In a stunning announcement earlier this week, US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a New Technology Application for the controversial “Fuckboy Cones” patented by Merck &…
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Local First-Year Does Awesome Borat Voice
By Reed Thurston Nov. 2, 2016 youLocal First-Year Does Awesome Borat VoiceCHICAGO, IL — In what eyewitnesses are referring to as a “masterful” and “evocative” recollection of pop culture quotation, first-year student Brian…
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Four Things to Do When You’re Sexiled
By Sue Donim Oct. 13, 2016 We’ve all been there. You‘re are making your way back to your dorm after a long night of studying, only to find a sock has been sloppily…
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Your Guide to the College Campus, Ghost by Ghost
By Dan Lastres Sept. 9, 2016 Burton and Judson Harry Judson and Ernest Burton, among the University’s first presidents, curmudgeonly float room to room bemoaning what the University has become since they ran…
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Naughty: Venn Diagrams With a Third Circle
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading this issue of ThanksThanks for reading this issue of the Shady Dealer! You all deserve a surprise… a sexy surprise: Hide that from your…
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Mansueto Pregnant
By Morgan Pantuck May 14, 2016 The University is extremely pleased to announce that the Mansueto Library is currently expecting her first child. Rumors have been circulating for some time about Manseuto’s “[baby]…
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Malia Obama receives Honorary University of Chicago Degree to Counteract Harvard Admittance
By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 In response to the Nnews that President Barack Obama’s eEldest daughter, Malia, will be attending Harvard after taking a gap year, the University of Chicago has decided…
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Canadians Glad Justin Trudeau Distracts from their Small Population and Cold Climate
By Nico Aldape April 23, 2016 Though he has been in office for over five months now, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau continues to make waves through his embrace of social change and…
