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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My Dad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman May 11, 2017 Wall Street Is Filled With Evil Capitalist Scum Except My DadListen up, sheeple. Now that you’ve spent some time at the University of Chicago, you should be…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    February Prospie Not Present at April Overnight

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger April 20, 2017 February Prospie Not present at April Overnight Sources within the University of Chicago have confirmed that February overnight attendee Stewart Lawson was not present for either of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study from Center for Practical Wisdom Asserts, “This Was a Complete Waste of Money”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres March 25, 2017 AA report published by the University of Chicago’s Center for Ppractical Wwisdom declares that the Center for Practical Wisdom is “a complete waste of money.” After considering…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Senior Class Gift

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack Hoff and Jill Ng Feb. 22, 2017 Dear Class of 2017, We know you’re all anxious to step over the threshold of college and into the bedroom of life, ready to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    I Should Really Get Into This Housing Market

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman, 2008 Feb. 5, 2017 I Should Really Get Into This Housing MarketAfter saving every extra penny I could make over the last 40 years of my life, I believe it…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: Reconstruction Will Provide Substantive, Lasting Progress

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape, 1866 Jan. 27, 2017 Opinion: Reconstruction Will Provide Substantive, Lasting ProgressAt last! The war that nearly tore apart this nearly century-old republic has passed. We can finally repair the scorched…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    An Excerpt from the Syllabus for the New “David Foster Wallace Circle Jerk” HUM Section

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 “This is water. Don’t worry I am not the wise old fish who is going try and explain to you why David Foster Wallace is both embarrassing…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Move Over Fruitcake! People have a lot of questions about Soda Bread

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 The holidays are here, and you already know that at this year’s party, somebody is going to bring that tangy tough nightmare in your mouth we all…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Since I Feel Comfortable Speaking Freely at This University, Here Are a Few Unpopular Opinions About Mad Men

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 12, 2016 UChicago is known worldwide as a paragon of free expression. I can’t imagine myself being as comfortable with speaking my mind about Mad Men anywhere other than…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Noodles” Exposed: What’s Really on the ‘Etc.’ Menu Will Shock You

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David Marques Oct. 17, 2016 Noodles Etc:tc. A beloved 57th Street staple, modestly priced pan-Asian eatery, and a hell of a lot closer than that other Thai place., wWe’ve all eaten our…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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