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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By None May 25, 2018   I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Curveball! MAB Announces a Two-Hour Phone Call with Your Disappointed Parents Will Headline Summer Breeze!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dealer News Desk April 25, 2018 Summer Breeze In a surprise twist, UChicago’s Major Activities Board has announced that its annual Summer Breeze Concert will be headlined by a two-hour phone call…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op Ed: Petition to Democratize Golf Cart Access

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Prosss Feb. 25, 2018 As you may or may not have noticed, the University of Chicago possesses a veritable fleet of campus golf carts, but they seem to only be available…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Concerned Reader Oct. 18, 2017 I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago, is naked under his clothes. Let…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Paul Manafort Falls for the Ol’ “Diplomatic Immunity Under a Box Propped Up by a Stick” Trick

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Reed Thurston Oct. 17, 2017 According to our political correspondents in Washington, D.C., the ongoing federal Investigation into Russia’s 2016 election interferenceinfluence made new headway earlier this week i in the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Things You CAN Stare at directly

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Aug. 23, 2017 The Solar Eclipse has come and gone, which means that you can go back to staring at anything for as long as you want! Here are our…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Who Said it? Bachelorette Contestant or a White House Communications Director

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Aug. 2, 2017 Who Said It: A Bachelorette Contestant or A Former White House Communications Director? 1. “You’re damn right I enjoy pissing him off.” Bachelorette Contestant or Communications Director?…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson April 25, 2017 Jacob Johnson Entire Class of 2021 Named “Melvin” In an inexplicable turn of events, the University’s Office of Admissions confirmed this Sunday that the entire incoming class…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder Behavior

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 17, 2017 Best Friend Fails to Justify Crush’s Tinder BehaviorBy Morgan Pantuck Reports indicate that local BFF Miranda Weinberg is rapidly running out of convincing reasons why your crush,…

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Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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