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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University to open Center on Alpha Centauri

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alexander Dunlap April 20, 2014 Inspired by the success of the UChicago Centers in Paris, Beijing, and Delhi, the University of Chicago is in the early planning phases of a new Center…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Grapples With Difficult Plato

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin (340 BC) Jan. 30, 2014 BREAKING – Sources inside the Academy of Athens report that student Leon Petropoulos is currently wrestling with Plato. Petropoulos has reportedly spent all day and…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Santa Requests Extension

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Santa Claus Dec. 25, 2013 Dear Children of the World, Christmas is here! I hope you’re as excited as I am. The holidays are such an exciting time of the year. Eating,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    8 of 9 Students in Your Problem Session Just Want To Be Held

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By James Newton Nov. 9, 2013 At the conclusion of a four-year study, College statistics major Maya D’Angelo has revealed that the vast majority of students in math and science courses who attend…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Winter Coats You Thought Would Keep You Warm In Chicago

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Maya Handa Oct. 20, 2013 The fashionable peacoat you envisioned yourself wearing as you trotted from class to class in the high, pointy leather boots. The winter coat you left at home…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Relaunches P.E. Requirement as “Theory of Sport” Lecture Series

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nora Helfand Aug. 2, 2013 It has only been a year since UChicago waived its long-standing physical education requirement to the delight of many of its students. But if you ask eminent…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    13 Monarch Butterflies Accidentally Attain American Citizenship

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Maya Handa May 27, 2013 Thirteen monarch butterflies accidentally completed the United States naturalization process yesterday, becoming full-fledged Americans bound to serve and protect the Constitution. The butterflies apparently believed they were…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    US, Nato Invade Dining Hall for Oil, Weapons of Mass Destruction

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ayesha Wadhawan April 25, 2013 The U.S. Department of Homeland Security has declared “inevitable” an invasion of University of Chicago dining halls, naming them a “primary threat to American security.” Senior U.S.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study: “Unhappiness Just Part of UChicago Experience,” UChi Secrets Most Successful Experiment Yet

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Angela Wang Feb. 24, 2013 Almost nine and a half years ago, a number of the greatest UChicago minds came together for the “first, and probably only, series of interdisciplinary applied research…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kids Crazy About Minecraft!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chris Deakin Feb. 4, 2013 Check this out: kids are all about this new Minecraft thing. Have you seen this? Hold your horses, I’ll tell you, gosh. So what it’s all about…

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Read It and Weep

  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name
  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War

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