By Isaac Krone Dec. 31, 2014 After decades of inequality and economic tension ignited a brutal ethnic conflict in the Middle East earlier this week, God, the all-loving, all-powerful creator of the universe…

By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 “Student” “Government” “Earns” “Stipend” The “University” of “Chicago” “Student” “Government” “voted” Thursday to establish a “new” “executive” committee whose five “members” would be “granted” $1000 “stipends”…

By Pseudonym Nov. 16, 2014 Sources confirm that student Giles Froman received fellatio from his grade point average on the second floor of Max Palevksy Residential College last Friday night. Though there were…

By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 A report released Thursday by the University’s Health Promotion and Wellness department confirmed that several puppies brought onto campus as part of the Pet Love program have…

By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The Human Cannonball has entered the canon, observers report. The release of The Cannonball has been heralded as “a major event in the world of entertainment” for…

By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 1. 1991 2. 1992 3. 1993 4. 1994 5. 1995 6. 1996 7. 1997 8. 1998 9. 1999 10. 2000 11. 2001 12. 2002 14. 2003 15.…

By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…

By Walker King (1939) Jan. 24, 2014 Speaking from his home in Berlin, Adolph Hitler gave a powerful address today to the German people: they must stay united if they ever hope to…

By Evan Bernstein Dec. 24, 2013 Citing the stress of midterms and the “total need for some chillaxing,” Dean Boyer has declared a campus-wide “weed weekend” beginning January 16th, 2014. Although the traditional…

By Robert Zimmer Nov. 9, 2013 Hello, students! With finals looming just around the corner, I suspect many of you are beginning to feel anxious and overwhelmed. You may be wondering, “Am I…