By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 19, 2015 NASA Astronomer Charles Ledson announced on Thursday that they had discovered water in Breckinridge, a satellite dorm of the University of Chicago. “Today is a truly momentous…

By Evan Gorstein and Hillel Steinmetz Nov. 11, 2015 It was quite the miracle. UChicago sSecond-year undergraduate Judah Greenberg’s novelty bong remained lit for eight nights in a row, finally going out on…

By David North Oct. 23, 2015 A recent decision by editors of The Maroon, a “newspaper publisher” (sic) on campus, has moved the paper in a journalistic direction. The vote only nearly passed…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Oct. 12, 2015 Hey, stoners! Think you’re the head honcho? The pot pro? The marijuana master? Well, Cyrus Bellevue has you beat. This guy takes pothead to the next level.…

By Nico Aldape Aug. 5, 2015 Be happy when you’re talking to them, but not too happy. You want them to do the work of telling you they miss you and want to…

By Walker King May 26, 2015 Mom, I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Were it not for the fact that you selflessly feed and clothe me, and selflessly allow me to e…

By Walker King May 26, 2015 A nostalgic Barack Obama reportedly spent most of the previous weekend in his personal bedroom, White House sources in the White House sources close to the Presidentinformed…

By Dan’s Tough Dad March 1, 2015 Let me take you back. It’s 1983. I have a full head of hair and a BMI of 24. I’m preparing to go to the qualifying…

By Matt Goldenberg Feb. 24, 2015 In a surprise press conference that took place just hours before polls opened, the City of Chicago has announced the results of the mayoral election. The election…

By A T-rex Feb. 1, 2015 EARTH C. 65,000,000 BCE — I’m proud to say I’m a small-government kind of dino. Dinosaurs should be self-sufficient and self-reliant, that’s what I always say. Uncle…