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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    It Happened to Me: My One-Year-Old Stopped Thinking I Was Sexy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Elizabeth Sawyer April 23, 2015 It’s every new mom’s worst nightmare. You think your relationship with your one-year old child is perfect. You stay up all night taking care of them, nursing…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Low Self-Esteem Developing Tolerance to Paltry Facebook Notifications

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 First-year Phillip Bartecki reported Tuesday that the low-quality Facebook notifications he receives no longer lift his spirits the way they used to. “Birthday notifications from old high-school…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Crusaders Crucify Downside Old Gregorians

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 WESTMALLE 8th of November in the Year of our Lord 1512 In what was termed a “demoralizing defeat,” the Belgian La-Cross team from the Abdij van Onze-Lieve-Vrouw…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    More Sightings of Area’s Wittiest Man

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 As 2014 drew to a close, the Dealer received numerous reports of encounters with an exceedingly sharp-witted man in the area. claiming he would “see [us] next…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    News in Brief: October 9, 2014

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 Free Condoms Removed from Campus as Part of New No Barriers Initiative Dean of Admissions James Nondorf announced Tuesday that, as part of the school’s new…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Lonely Lampshade Seeks Human Head

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Pope Ends Flirtation with Homosexuality

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 After a draft Vatican document calling for greater openness towards homosexuals was voted down by the Catholic synod on Saturday, several cardinals expressed relief that Pope Francis’s…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Evidence Suggest Shady Dealer Staff Innocent

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The editorial staff of The Chicago Shady Dealer is innocent, the balance of evidence suggests. The evidence, which is largely circumstantial, hinges on an unprovable assertion that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Photoshopped Galaxy Sets Unrealistic Standards for Young Interstellar Matter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 A young dust cloud at the grocery store with her mother sees a row of gossip magazines lining the checkout counter. She picks up a cover of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Poverty Finally Solved When Everyone Just Tries Harder

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 A collaborative research project of the MIT Sloan School of Economics and the University of Chicago’s Becker Friedman Institute claims to have produced an unorthodox solution to…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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