The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top Nine Most Common Sexual Fetishes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross May 26, 2015 Many people are ashamed of their sexual preferences, but it’s 2015. Fetishes that were once thought of as “unusual,” “disturbing,” or “very very inappropriate for brunch” are…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Horoscopes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Zelda April 27, 2015 Aquarium: Your soul mate was born today. Pervert. Pieces: Turn left in 0.5 miles. Your destination will be on the right. Keep an eye out for stop signs,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Obama Library to Replace South Side

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Representatives of the Barack Obama Foundation announced Sunday that they have made their recommendation to the President, and that the President has made his decision regarding the…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kentucky Derby Ends in Catastrophe

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Feb. 2, 2015 LOUISVILLE MAY 18, 2218 — Disaster struck yesterday at the 344th annual Kentucky Derby when one of the galloping equine cyborgs malfunctioned and exploded just 30 seconds…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Why Two Dakotas?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By President Benjamin Harrison Jan. 24, 2015 WASHINGTON 1889 — In this historical moment, I, President Benjamin Harrison, have decided to cement my lasting legacy by adding two new states— North Dakota and…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    ‘Twas the Night Before Finals

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Dec. 8, 2014 T’was the night before finals and all the through the dorm Not a student was stirring, trying to keep warm The papers were done, written without a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Year Steps on Seal

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 16, 2014 Traditional UChicago folklore includes the long-held superstition that stepping on the seal in the Reynolds club will prevent you from graduating in 4 years. That legend was…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Zimmer Reaches Into Student’s Rib Cage, Pulls Out Heart

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Moattar Oct. 26, 2014 University President Robert Zimmer was sighted Thursday indulging in an unusual snack – for the fifth time in recent memory. According to eyewitnesses, President Zimmer once again…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Seven Things White People Need to Stop Doing

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 13, 2014 1. Moaning 2. Rattling chains 3. Levitating objects 4. Seeking vengeance from beyond the grave. 5. Reminding me of my late great-aunt. 6. Replacing the milk in…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Zimmer Attacked by Mountain Lion

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Dunlap May 13, 2014 Robert J. Zimmer was seriously injured last week after a run-in with a mountain lion outside his University Avenue home. According to reports, President Zimmer was fumbling…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.