-
Lonely Lampshade Seeks Human Head
By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus,…
-
Pope Ends Flirtation with Homosexuality
By Si Squires-Kasten Oct. 23, 2014 After a draft Vatican document calling for greater openness towards homosexuals was voted down by the Catholic synod on Saturday, several cardinals expressed relief that Pope Francis’s…
-
Evidence Suggest Shady Dealer Staff Innocent
By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The editorial staff of The Chicago Shady Dealer is innocent, the balance of evidence suggests. The evidence, which is largely circumstantial, hinges on an unprovable assertion that…
-
Photoshopped Galaxy Sets Unrealistic Standards for Young Interstellar Matter
By Morgan Pantuck April 20, 2014 A young dust cloud at the grocery store with her mother sees a row of gossip magazines lining the checkout counter. She picks up a cover of…
-
Poverty Finally Solved When Everyone Just Tries Harder
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 A collaborative research project of the MIT Sloan School of Economics and the University of Chicago’s Becker Friedman Institute claims to have produced an unorthodox solution to…
-
Royal Academy of Arts Vienna Lowers Admissions Standards
By Isaac Krone (1947) Jan. 24, 2014 For nearly two hundred and fifty years, since our founding in 1698, it has been our goal to provide the greatest art education in the world…
-
Scientists Confirm with 99% Certainty that Struggle is Real
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 Particle physicists working at CERN Laboratories have just confirmed the existence of the Struggle, the fundamental particle initially theorized in 1963 by Peter Struggle which completes the…
-
Phil Per Class Discussion Reaches Climax
By Zach Augustine Nov. 9, 2013 A quickie recap of last week’s Hum class group project developed into a heated and extended session last Tuesday. Eyewitness reports indicate that Atticus Bloom and Richard…
-
Perfectly acceptable pause in conversation ruined by someone saying, “This is Awkward”
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 18, 2013 A perfectly acceptable pause in conversation was ruined last Tuesday when first-year Dwight Mulligan blurted out his singularly unnecessary catchphrase: “Well, uh… this is awkward.” It began…
-
First Year Finalizes List of RSOs she’s not going to join
By Matthew Goldenberg Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year student Patricia Lewis has announced that she has decided which Registered Student Organizations she wants to join and, more importantly, the ones she doesn’t want…
