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Dressing for Your Major
By Willamina Groething Aug. 1, 2015 Anthropology: Raspberry Vinaigrette Biology: Italian Cinema and Media Studies: Honey Mustard Classics: Caesar Computer Science: Creamy Caesar Economics: Green Goddess English Language and Literature: French Environmental Studies:…
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MIT Scientists Unsure What You Did in Chem Lab
By Morgan Pantuck May 26, 2015 Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, Citing your product’s unusual color, texture, and melting point, a panel of MIT’s top scientists confirmed today that…
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8 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Without Ever Speaking Ever
By Evan Bernstein April 26, 2015 Marital problems? We’ve all been there. Some people will tell you to talk it out, but sometimes it’s best to keep your troubles to yourself and never…
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Joe Biden Accidentally Slips Tongue into Mother’s Ear
By Sam Taylor March 1, 2015 Vice President Joe Biden was photographed last Saturday vigorously fondling his mother’s left earlobe during a private family gathering at his Washington D.C. residence. “What made it…
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News in Brief: January 30
By Chicago Shady Dealer Feb. 1, 2015 In order to best serve the needs of the University of Chicago community, the Dealer has decided to publish weekly news briefs in addition to its…
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French Politician “Relieved” Islamophobic Laws Were Worded Inoffensively
By Si Squires-Kasten Jan. 14, 2015 Following the January 7th attack on the offices of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine, Minister of the Interior Bernard Cazeneuve expressed “profound gratitude” that his country…
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5 Easy DIY Thanksgiving Recipes
By Sam Taylor Nov. 28, 2014 Spending too much time slaving away in the kitchen this Thanksgiving? Holiday stress bogging you down? Do your eroding lips scream out for the thirst-quenching milk of…
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10 Signs You’re Being Hit On
By Willamina Groething Nov. 16, 2014 1. You keep bumping into each other, and it’s feeling more and more deliberate on her part. 2. It’s as though the wind’s knocked out of you…
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Goose Makes Classic “Goose” Face
By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 This morning, around 10 a.m., local accountant Irene Berger observed local goose Patrick the Goose make a particularly “goose” face. Berger recounted to The Dealer that she…
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First year Displays Dominance by Sexiling Roommate, Urinating on Laptop
By Isaac Krone Aug. 10, 2014 After a devastating thirteen hours of sexile, Hitchcock resident Ryan Thompson was able to re-enter his beloved room—a room now deeply scarred by a bitter battle for…
