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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top 6 Things to Do This MLK Day If You Don’t Have a Date

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Christian Villanueva Jan. 21, 2019   Another year, another Martin Luther King Day without a date. Have you tried every way to get a date who can revere a great American hero…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Local Vegan Cooked for Thanksgiving Dinner

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Olivia Reeves Nov. 22, 2018 In an unusual twist on an American classic, the family of third year Jane Wallis has announced that they will be cooking and eating her instead of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Millions of Kids Dress as Migos for Halloween, None of them Takeoff

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Oct. 31, 2018   Millions across the nation celebrated Halloween by dressing as Migos this Halloween, the second-most popular costume among young black children (behind the King of Wakanda). The…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Richard Thaler Depressed After No Longer Being the Center of Attention

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By JJ Zheng Oct. 8, 2018 Credit: Getty Images Dr. Richard Thaler, recipient of the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics, is reportedly feeling depressed after news of the 2018 recipients broke this morning.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    All It Took Was Melting in My Car to Realize That I Am a Robot

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Aug. 7, 2018 95 degrees and climbing. It is very hot in this car. I can only assume that these words I write will be some of my last if…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    TA Rebrands Discussion Section as “Darties” in Hope Someone Will Actually Show Up

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By By Dumbo McGonagall May 25, 2018 In response to declining attendance and a total abandonment of moral fiber, your TA has decided to take matters into their own hands and has sent…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Columbian Exposition Artifacts the Obama Center Doesn’t Want You To Know About

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester April 20, 2018 Historians are rejoicing while the Obamas are gasping in horror! As the Obama Presidential Center and Library gears up to break ground, archaeologists have found many relics…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Canada Geese Migrate South as Spring Approaches

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diego Matamoros Feb. 20, 2018 A Flock of Canada Geese leaving Hyde Park for the Summer Spring has arrived in Chicago, and with it the familiar scenes that mark the changing of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Alt-Right Twitter Demands New Oscars Categories for Best Crisis Actor/Actress in a Leading Role

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Feb. 19, 2018 As the greatest actors and actresses in the world are honored tonight for their hard work on screen, the right wing of the Twittersphere has been crying out…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sponsored Advertisement — PACKED: Dumplings Reimagined

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Oct. 18, 2017 Listen: Forget everything you thought you knew about dumplings until now. Coming this month to rock the foodie scene in Hyde Park is PACKED, a new kind…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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