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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Former President Obama Dedicates New Tomb of the Unknown Drone

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Feb. 5, 2017 Arlington, VA 2023- Former President Obama attended a ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery today, dedicating the newly built Tomb of the Unknown Drone. The mood was somber…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely Fun

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 28, 2017 Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely FunIn a press conference streamed to YouTube last Saturday from his parents’ basement, eighth-grader Sean Spicer announced that…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexting Over Venmo: As Easy As It Sounds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury Jan. 9, 2017 iMessage bumming you out? Snapchat not doing’ you dirty like it used to? Never fear, sSexting over Venmo is all the rage in 2017, and you heard…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Texas School Lunches Add “Down-Home Pulled Pork BBQ” as Food Group

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Nov. 18, 2016 In a move made “in the interests of student physical well-being and health,” the Texas State Board of Education (SBOE) has announced it will phase in dowwn…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How To Tell If Your Tinder Date Is Actually Danny DeVito In Drag

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 13, 2016 Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local café? Did you meet up with…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Announces Committee on Public Safety

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Teddy Zamborsky Oct. 18, 2016 University Announces Committee on Public Safety In response to what has been referred to ascalled “disruptive student protests,”, University Provost Eric Isaacs announced the re-establishment of the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Negs That’ll Seduce Any HUM Professor

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jack U. Leighton Oct. 12, 2016 Nice Diploma, is it real? Weren’t you wearing that last class? Aww, that’s really cute. You pout a little when you talk about Ovid. You wearing…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Five Jewish Boys My Daughter Should Date

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck’s Mom Aug. 21, 2016 Jacob: Dad’s tennis buddy has a son named Jacob who’s a pre-med at Northwestern. I gave his mom your cell phone number, so look out for…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    North Residence Hall Renamed Following Donation From Dickwad Fuckwit

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago released an official statement this morning confirming that famed alumnus and billionaire philanthropist Dickwad Fuckwit will be donating nearly $70 million to the…

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Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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