By Dan Lastres Aug. 25, 2017 It’s no secret that the university’s finances are not in great shape.; Between a struggling endowment and a high demand for buildings to name, the administration has…

By Claire Holland Aug. 17, 2017 When first year Abby Kincaid first stepped foot on campus, she knew it was home. “It was like, my whole life I had been too smart for…

By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment BuzzerBy Morgan Pantuck Onlookers were shocked earlier this weekend when local partygoer Josh Casey pressed an apartment buzzer and allowed several unknown…

By Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 Mac Demarco fan explains, “yeah but my frat is just like the anti-frat” “So, I’m pledging now.” No one said anything, but Zeke could tell everyone at…

By Adam Lowinger March 24, 2017 Following the end of her father’s term as President, Natashia “Sasha” Obama has decided to dedicate her time to establishing the Kids Next Door (K.N.D.).  For those…

By Nik Varley Feb. 7, 2017 Washington, D.C. – Shortly after her confirmation as President Trump’s Secretary of Educationeducation secretary, Betsy DeVos was seen cackling in the face of a small orphan as…

By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 Look, I know my monument might be a little … underwhelming. Being the first president and all, I know you you guys probably expected the monument…

By Native Advertising Jan. 17, 2017 Seth Blattstein, a spokesman for SteptON, the world’s leading manufacturer of rat poison, has announced this Friday that, while he is aware that the main use of…

By Antonia Salisbury Dec. 29, 2016 How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody,–,…

By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Student’s in Professor Walden’s History of Philosophy class were surprised to learn today that their visiting professor was in fact a swarm of locusts in a tweed…