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Handy Rationalizations for Not Filling Out a Work Order
By Jack Toole Oct. 13, 2016 Winter, the season of indiscriminate central heating, is almost upon us. A stuck window can make this unfortunate period immeasurably worse, heating your room to within a…
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First Year Drops All Four Classes In Order To Focus On Student Council
By Hakim Lahlou Oct. 9, 2016 In a shocking turn of events, a prospective Student Council member had to be forcibly removed from the UChicago campus, after accidentally dropping out of school. The…
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Top Five Reasons to Sleep with Me
By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 I want to first preface this with the fact that there are many more reasons to sleep with me. These are just the top. I can last…
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Fuckboy Quits Scav After Failing to Find Clitoris
By Jacob Johnson May 14, 2016 After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was…
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University of Chicago Campus Temporarily Relocated to Rural Illinois after Muggings
By Willamina Groething May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago campus will be moved to the University of Chicago’s Center in Wynoose, IL for the 2016-2017 academic year after several armed robberies in…
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New Off-Ocean Program Brings Whales to UChicago
By Jacob Johnson April 23, 2016 DueAnnouncing to a new shared initiative between the SHAMU (Society for Humans Meeting Animal Undergraduates) University of Chicago and the Marine Biological Lab in Woods Hole Massachusetts,Saint…
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A Student’s Guide to Sneaking LSD from Craig
By Mary Vansuch Feb. 22, 2016 Now, I’m not saying that I have ever used LSD, or that I even know Craig. These are just rumors I’ve heard from through the grapevine. Nor…
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Area Man Loses Control of Sandwich
By Nik Varley Feb. 18, 2016 In a display that eyewitnesses called “devastatingdevasting” and “jaw– dropping”, area student James Wilbur lost control of his sandwich earlier this afternoon. The sandwich, which contained a…
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Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow: “I am Not a Crook!”
By Breck Radulovic, 1871 Jan. 22, 2016 To the Editor: Recent accusations of arson against me have deeply troubled my conscience, and I am writing from the confines of Cook County jail to…
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Taking the Next Step Devolves into All-Out Fuckfest
By Nik Varley Jan. 11, 2016 Employees of the office of career advancement were surprised this Thursday when their Taking the Next Step seminar devolved into an all– out fuckfest. Students, faculty, and…
