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Anyone You Don’t See Right Now Might Be Dead
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 Look around you. Are there people? Are they alive? Cool. That’s all you know, though. Anyone who isn’t in your immediate field of vision right at this…
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Real Man Speaks: Telling My Girlfriend To Calm Down Works Literally Every Time
By Lucas Chen April 27, 2015 Women can be very emotional. I recently read a New York Times article that claimed that women’s emotions are an asset, not a liability. But when it’s…
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Two Brothers with a Dream, a Dog, and Their Grandmother’s Secret Recipe File for Bankruptcy
By Chris Deakin March 1, 2015 The people: two simple college roommate brother twins. The ingredients: a cooler of berries, a labradoodle named Chuck, and a commitment to good natural flavors. The result:…
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17 Cats That Are God
By Egyptian Holy Council Feb. 1, 2015 1) My cat. 2) Your cat. 3) My mom’s cat. 4) Your mom’s cat. 5) Ricky’s cat. 6) That weird cat. 7) Seriously, all the cats.…
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Portland Trailblazers Trade $2 Million To Los Angeles Clippers For $3 Million
By Cub Reporter Jacob Levin Jan. 14, 2015 The NBA recently approved a trade between the Portland Trailblazers and the Los Angeles Clippers in which the Trailblazers will give $2 million to the…
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Butterball Hotline Questions
By Teddy Zamborsky Nov. 28, 2014 Today the Dealer spoke with our source at the Butterball Hotline, the nation’s premier phone based holiday help-line. They shared with us the questions they receive most…
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On The Macaroon’s Recent Coverage
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 16, 2014 The Chicago Macaroon has existed since the University of Chicago’s founding in 1892, and has in that time broken some tremendous stories. Ranging from pieces on the…
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Twin Peaks
By Isaac Krone Oct. 26, 2014 Sources close to The Dealer confirm that at approximately 10:17 p.m. Wednesday evening, Rickert House resident Ian MacPherson reached the apotheosis of his existence. Ian’s life will…
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“East is Lake,” says Fur-clad Campus Tour Guide
By Daniel Moattar Aug. 10, 2014 “East Is Lake,” Says Fur-Clad Campus Tour Guide East is lake. Student-to-faculty ratio extremely low. One hundred percent of instructors have terminal degrees. On left is Reynolds…
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Summer Plans Ambitious
By Evan Bernstein May 13, 2014 According to sources close to the naive second-year, Robert Kleinman is incredibly excited to begin his summer. According to information provided confidentially to The Dealer, Kleinman has…