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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Nerd Pretends to Follow MLB For World Series

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Philip O’Sullivan Oct. 10, 2016 A lLocal area Chicago nerd began his annual preparations for pretending to keep up with baseball for the upcoming World Series this year. The nerd, who earlier…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: I’m Already Annoyed by My Roomate’s Laugh Track

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North Aug. 1, 2016 I’ve been sharing a studio apartment with Todd Henderson for a couple of weeks now. I am writing this op-ed to recount my experiences living in this…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    BREAKING: Your Lab Partner Said Oops

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck May 16, 2016 In a terrifying moment that will surely haunt you for years to come, your biochemistry lab partner and resident imbecile Jason Lieberman just said the word “oops”…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    U of C Professor Publishes Breakthrough findings in Human Knot Theory:

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alek Binion May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago mathematics department was abuzz this past Saturday after peer review determined the validity of faculty member Paul Phillips revolutionary findings in the already…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sexual Experimentation Fails Peer Review

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck and Reed Thurston April 23, 2016 A controversial study submitted to the New England Journal of Medicine was officially rejected for publication this past weekend following peer review. “Butt Stuff:…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump Defends New Mustache

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck March 1, 2016 Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked reporters earlier this week by appearing in public with his facial hair trimmed into a toothbrush style, shaved sharply at the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Apathetic Area Man Actually Just Pathetic

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nico Aldape Feb. 18, 2016 After a careful, objective investigation, sources close to the Shady Dealer are reporting that apathetic area man Stanley Novovoselic is actually just pathetic. “I mean, I thought…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Year Occupation Fails to Find Evidence of Helen in Troy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jason of Thebes Jan. 22, 2016 Early yesterday morning, a devout of Pheme, having climbed the mast of one of Agamemnon’s ships, was heard shouting, certain statements directly contradictory to many of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    QUIZ: What’s your Body Type?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 13, 2016 Here at the Dealer, we don’t subscribe to the notion that there’s only one type of physical beauty. We think all women can find things to hate…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Which Oscar Nominees Pass the Bechdel Test? We Didn’t Check.

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 The Oscar nominations were announced on Thursday, and already and many of tthemwhichthe nominees have been praised for their unique storytelling and captivating performances by some of…

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Read It and Weep

  • Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

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