By Nik Varley Feb. 7, 2017 Washington, D.C. – Shortly after her confirmation as President Trump’s Secretary of Educationeducation secretary, Betsy DeVos was seen cackling in the face of a small orphan as…

By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 Look, I know my monument might be a little … underwhelming. Being the first president and all, I know you you guys probably expected the monument…

By Native Advertising Jan. 17, 2017 Seth Blattstein, a spokesman for SteptON, the world’s leading manufacturer of rat poison, has announced this Friday that, while he is aware that the main use of…

By Antonia Salisbury Dec. 29, 2016 How to Avoid Eye-Contact with Students Trying to Raise Money for Causes You Support Ever since Venmo ruined the “Sorry I Don’t Carry Cash” thing for everybody,–,…

By Nik Varley Nov. 15, 2016 Student’s in Professor Walden’s History of Philosophy class were surprised to learn today that their visiting professor was in fact a swarm of locusts in a tweed…

By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 It’s beginning a lot like Christmas, all over my dorm room’s floor… Every single time I come home from a long night of studying in the Reg,…

By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 Undisclosed members of the Maroon Key Society leaked Monday the administration’s future architecture plans to replace all dorms with ivory towers.   The correlation between the new…

By Adam Lowinger Oct. 11, 2016 Does the following apply to you? You’ve just had a tragic breakup with the person you thought would be the one, and now you’re stuck with your…

By Rusty Pecker Aug. 6, 2016 God, I love college so far. The independence, the intellectual rigor, the dollar milkshakes. Shit man, it’s the best. Honestly, my favorite part of it is the…

By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2015 According to eyewitness reports, area undergraduate Wendy Robinson’s new hygienic rituals have officially ended after only three days of implementation. Robinson, 20, promised herself that she would…