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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    College Student Actually Thinks Grandma Wears Big “Proud UChicago Grandparent” Pin Everyday

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester May 16, 2017 Second-year in the college Kate Todd recently told the Dealer that she truly believes that her grandma wears an approximately 2×2” pin that features the text “Proud…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It,” Says Dean Ellison as He Struggles to Stuff the Final Prospie in the Dumpster

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson April 24, 2017 Jacob Johnson “Golly Gee Whiz, Gosh Darn It”, Says Dean Ellison As He Struggles to Stuff The Final Prospie in the Dumpster “Aw, shucks,.” said Dean Ellison,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking Undertaking

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Undertaker Undertakes Undertaking UndertakingBy Thomas Noriega              April 2nd, 2017. We all saw it. We all felt it. Roman Reigns pinned The Undertaker after a grueling half-hour match.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    To Counter the Influence of Old Corporate Billionaires, Let’s Elect a Bunch of Young Environmentalist Tech Billionaires

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By The DNC March 9, 2017 November was an absolute shellacking. We now only have six states with both Democratic governors and state legislatures. Now that Tom Perez has won the DNC Chairmanship,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Upgrades “No Barriers” Program To “Very Tall Ladders” Program

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Christopher Walker Feb. 6, 2017 This Friday, Dean Nondorf announced on Friday that the University’s “No Barriers” program of replacing loans with grants for low-income students would be upgraded to the “Very…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We Are Living In A Post-Racial America

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman, 1840 Feb. 1, 2017 1840- My fellow citizens: I am proud to announce we are living in a post-racial America. That’s right;. aAfter decades on centuries of discrimination, we can…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    No, I’m Not a Fuccboi; Yes, I’m Sleeping with Both Girls in My SOSC Class

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles Jan. 17, 2017 Recently, I had an experience, which I found not only wildly offensive but also frankly inaccurate. My good friend David and I were hanging out, and I…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ten Flavors of Chitterlings for Your Holiday Season

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 For the uninitiated, in most every household in the United States, the real star of any family meal is the chitterlings. Those sweet, foul-smelling pig parts could…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    OP-ED: Fuck, You’re Writing Another Paper About Carlos Santana, Aren’t You?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Prof. David North Nov. 15, 2016 Dear Daniel, Look, Danny, I’m just as big of a fan of the 1970’s Mexican-American latin rock guitarist Carlos Santana as the next guy, but I’m…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Kid Behind Me Won’t Stop Answering Rhetorical Questions in Class

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 “Why would anyone, for any reason, answer a rhetorical question? If you answered that question in your head just now, fuck you- you’re part of the problem.”…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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