By Milena Prossus, Pompeii 79 C.E. Feb. 6, 2017 Dear Mount Vesuvius, After gaining the courage I needed from my remaining friends and family, I finally feel comfortable saying this. You BROKE MY…

By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 Of all of President Trump’s campaign promises, the most talked about is his proposed border wall with Mexico. However, Trump’s promise that Mexico will pay for the…

By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “oOverall, both are pretty nice and we have…

By Marlin Figgins Dec. 8, 2016 I remember my first day in economics. The professor, who shall not be named for anonymity’s sake, went into his first lecture of the year beginning ,s.…

By Dan Lastres Nov. 15, 2016 Responding to a spate of home burglaries and street muggings, the University of Chicago Police Department announced, yesterday, a new plan to relocate Hyde Parkthe neighborhood 200ft…

By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 8, 2016 Nearly 100 members of the Linguistic Society of America signed an open letter to the public this weekend detailing “the necessity of desexualizing the word ‘girth,’” the…

By Milena Pross Oct. 13, 2016 Last year, campus was torn apart by a divisive and polarizing referendum. Critics have referred to it as “Pre-Brexit Brexit” and “The War Between the States Between…

By Philip O’Sullivan Oct. 10, 2016 A lLocal area Chicago nerd began his annual preparations for pretending to keep up with baseball for the upcoming World Series this year. The nerd, who earlier…

By David North Aug. 1, 2016 I’ve been sharing a studio apartment with Todd Henderson for a couple of weeks now. I am writing this op-ed to recount my experiences living in this…

By Morgan Pantuck May 16, 2016 In a terrifying moment that will surely haunt you for years to come, your biochemistry lab partner and resident imbecile Jason Lieberman just said the word “oops”…