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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: Well, This Whole Pope Smoke System Is Nutso!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Priest Geoff May 1, 2018 The Vatican, 1500 A.D. Well, here I was at the Vatican, ready for the best study abroad of all time. I’d been holed up at the seminary…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Exposed: The 55th Street Fire Station is Actually a Police Station

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross April 20, 2018 Suspicious, indeed. After a three year long investigation, the Shady Dealer has concluded that the firehouse located on 55th Street between University and Woodlawn Avenues is not…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Boss Baby Sweeps the Oscars!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Shady Dealer Newsdesk Feb. 20, 2018 Boss Baby (AB ’97, MBA ’04) Oscar audiences around the world waited with bated breath as the winner for Best Picture was announced. Many were expecting…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Health Trend: Hiring a Sensei to Kick Your Ass

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Image by Aubrey Christofersen  There’s a new health craze going around, and it’s not what you think! Fed up with demanding diets, cleanses and workout routines, many…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Oct. 17, 2017 After years of wreaking havoc throughout the Western world with unbridled violence and hatred, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has finally announced that they…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UC Leaks: Robot Under Mansueto Lonely, Depressed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Morales Aug. 25, 2017 A report titled “Final Overview: Mansueto Systems Anomalies” details a long string of investigations and investments whereinthat were the administration attempteding to restore normal function to the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    College in Chaos After Every First Year Registers for Honors Analysis

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Trietal Aug. 17, 2017 University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. “At…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison

    Thomas Noriega / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2017 A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Beautiful! Watch What Happens When We Tell These Couples We’ll Pay Them to Have Sex on Camera

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 by Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury Beautiful! Watch what happens when we tell these couples we’ll pay them to have sex on camera     Wow. That was…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Cambridge, M.A.Following recent political developments in the political sphere, astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated the massive LIGO gravitational wave interferometer to detect the possible intervention of an…

    read more
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Read It and Weep

  • First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
  • Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains
  • “Yes, I’m a Baller” Says Mamdani After Cuomo Accuses Him of Being LeBron James in Disguise
  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead

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