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Participation Trophy! Losing Oscar Nominees Will Receive a Complimentary Fish Penis Inspired by The Shape of Water!
By Dealer Newsdesk Feb. 19, 2018 Oscars 2018 Tonight, thousands of Americans will tune in to the Oscars and celebrate many of Hollywood’s most talented actors and filmmakers. And, even though only a…
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An Examination Of The University’s Newest Alternate Reality Game: B.S.
By Milena Pross Oct. 17, 2017 Upon arriving on campus this O-Week, first-year students were thrust into a magical fantasyland without their knowledge. Following years of planning, buckets of money, and countless tests…
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Growing Student Movement Demands University Divest from John D. Rockefeller’s Oil-Suffused Corpse
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 The previous week saw the first major demonstration by student action group, “Maroons Against Oil Corpse,”Corpse-Oil”, a new movement demanding that the university invest in renewable power…
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The Dos and Don’ts of Sorority Recruitment
By Chase Harrison and Yamini Nambimadom Aug. 22, 2017 It’s the moment every girl dreamed of since they were young: Sorority Recruitment at the University of Chicago! The moment when young co-eds have…
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Local Horse Festival Immediately Followed By Local Glue Festival
By Ryan Fleishman May 16, 2017 Local Horse Festival Immediately Followed By Local Glue Festival The Chicago Horse Festival, Aafter rocking the foundations of the city Chicago with their awesome celebration of and…
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Eight Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairs
By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2017 8 Famous Paintings I Accidentally Dropped Down The Stairso Mona Lisa §Mona Lisa The Mona Lisa is widely considered the finest painting in all creation, so I…
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Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of Blood
By Thomas Noriega April 17, 2017 Unopposed Student Government Slate Announces Thousand-Year Reign of BloodBy Thomas Noriega In an unexpected turn, only one trio of students announced their candidacy for the Executive Slate…
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“Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150M Institute for Free Speech
By Sue Donim March 8, 2017 “Opposition to Safe Spaces Not a Fundraising Ploy,” says Zimmer at Opening of New $150m Institute for Free Speech Jeremy Kidman CHICAGO — The University’s new Institute…
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An Open Letter To The Volcano That RUINED My Sweet Sixteen
By Milena Prossus, Pompeii 79 C.E. Feb. 6, 2017 Dear Mount Vesuvius, After gaining the courage I needed from my remaining friends and family, I finally feel comfortable saying this. You BROKE MY…
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Exclusive: The Negotiation Over the Wall
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 1, 2017 Of all of President Trump’s campaign promises, the most talked about is his proposed border wall with Mexico. However, Trump’s promise that Mexico will pay for the…
