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Lesser known UChicago alumni
By Nora Helfand Jan. 7, 2013 You all know David Axelrod, Nate Silver, Kurt Vonnegut, and Vixen; Edwin Hubble, John Ashcroft, Roger Ebert and Blitzen. But do you recall the most obscure College…
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Professor dismissed after students found chained to wall in controversial Plato lecture
By Walker King Nov. 12, 2012 Details have just begun to emerge regarding the conditions in Professor Barry Heitzmans section of the Greek Thought and Literature class, where students were reportedly kept chained…
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Review: Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka
By Matt Montequin Oct. 25, 2012 You may remember vodka from high school. All vodka is essentially rubbing alcohol, or so you thought on prom night. If you are a premium adult beverage…
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Citizens Worried Proposed Single Payer System Will Force Them to Change Leech Provider
Washington, D.C., 1860 Citizens across the country have expressed concern that a proposed single-payer healthcare system would limit their choice of which breeder supplies their medical leeches. The proposed reforms, informally dubbed LeechCare,…
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They Can Cancel Bar Night, But They Can Never Cancel Me Dancing Drunk And Alone On A Wednesday Night
By Harry Weinstein Jan. 30, 2019 Alpha Delt may have cancelled this week’s bar night because of a polar vortex, but they will not stop me from spending my Wednesday nights like…
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“Is he the one who did 9/11?” say Nation’s High Schoolers Following George H. W. Bush Memorial
By Christian Villanueva Dec. 4, 2018 On November 30, 2018, former president George H.W. Bush passed away in Houston, Texas at the age of 94. While millions across the nation mourned the death…
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Bartlett Rats Strike, Citing Declining Quality of Food
By Cameron Edgington Nov. 2, 2018 As autumn descends upon us and temperatures lower across the nation, animals of all shapes and sizes seek warmth and cover, collecting enough food to last…
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“Wait, That’s Where UChicago Is?” Exclaims Gleacher Center Student
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 22, 2018 Economics M.A. Mathis Birman collapsed this week upon hearing that UChicago is actually on the South Side of Chicago, not nestled in the gleaming utopia of the…
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US News Ranked Us #3 For a Reason: Here’s How to Pee and Poop at the Same Time
By David North Sept. 24, 2018 This year, in their annual college rankings, U.S. News awarded the University of Chicago a seven-way tie for third-best university. The University of Chicago consistently tops…
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Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage
By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It…
