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Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer draws thousands.
By Peter Berkowitz Jan. 13, 2013 After years of dwindling attendance at the quarterly Coffee and Doughnuts with President Zimmer, Student Government held its first Coffee and Doughnuts without President Zimmer this past…
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President Pardons Two Turduckens in Thanksgiving Ritual
By Matt Montequin Nov. 13, 2012 President Robert Zimmer took to Midway Plaisance on Wednesday for the annual Presidential T?urducken Pardon, surprising onlookers when he chose to spare not one, but two turduckens…
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Romney/Ryan Fan-Fiction Hard for Campaign to Swallow
By Maya Handa Oct. 30, 2012 Presidential candidate Willard Mitt Romney and running mate Paul Something Folksy Ryan announced yesterday in a consensual press conference that they were deeply disturbed to have discovered…
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Boyer Heartbroken Over Death of His Tamagotchi
Chicago, 1997 In breaking news, the Shady Dealer is sorry to report the death of Dean Boyer’s Tamagotchi Habsburg, also known as “Habsy”. Habsy was in the “Teen” stage of the Tamagotchi Life…
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Introducing: Datamatch <3
By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019 Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, — well actually,…
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How to Spend the Winter Alone: A How-To Guide on Planning a Snowball Fight for One
By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Maybe you were late to cuffing season. Or maybe you’ve been banned from participating in your friend group’s Secret Santa after spending $0.07 over the limit for Janet last…
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HVZ-Related Injuries at Record High After New Rule Allows Melee Weapons
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 2, 2018 Following a new rule permitting the use of melee weapons, a recent report has shown a rise in injuries among Humans Versus Zombies players. Humans Vs Zombies (HVZ)…
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Bill Clinton Spotted Fighting with FIJI Bouncer
By Diego Pedulla-Smith and Wesley Adams Oct. 22, 2018 Students enjoying a lively Saturday night may have gotten a little more excitement than they had anticipated after President Bill Clinton got into…
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Wrong Dungeon! How I Tried to Join a BDSM Group, Ended Up in a D&D Group
By Thomas Noriega Sept. 24, 2018 I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything…
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Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection
By Clarence Burrough May 25, 2018 The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of…
