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Student Government Launches Invasion of Iraq
By Clay Olsen Oct. 29, 2014 The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler “Tawny Lion” Kissinger announced yesterday…
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Candy Corn Neither
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 A Chicago Shady Dealer exclusive investigation has revealed that the beloved Halloween treat is neither candy nor corn. The classic late-October treat was exposed as an outright…
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Poor Harvest: A Shady Dealer Investigative Report
By Alex Foster May 13, 2014 Every day, millions of students enter Cathey Dining Commons eager to once more satisfy their insatiable yearnings for oil and Chicken Nugget Parmesan. And day after day,…
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Study Break Quality Reflects RA’s Break-up
By Walker King April 20, 2014 Totino’s Pizza Rolls were provided for residents at May House study break this Sunday for the second week in a row, an anomaly many residents attribute to…
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Pope Declares Infanticide Only Legitimate Birth Control
By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 22, 2014 In a speech Monday, Pope Francis decreed that infanticide is the only form of birth control that the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics are permitted to use. As…
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Muslim Athiest Communist Fascist Runs for Student Council
By Mary Vansuch (1974) Jan. 24, 2014 HONOLULU, HAWAII—A young atheist Muslim Communist Fascist is running for Honolulu Junior High Student Council. An anonymous eyewitness told The Dealer, “He wasn’t even born in…
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School Declares Penile Deficiency Syndrome Awareness Week
By Michaela Cross Nov. 11, 2013 Dean of Students Susan Art has announced in a press release that the College plans to enact an annual “PDS Awareness Week.” “The University of Chicago cares…
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All Math Actually Special Case of Political Science
By Naftali Harris Nov. 9, 2013 Mathematicians around the world were devastated to learn yesterday that all mathematics is actually a special case of political theory. Professor John Mearsheimer, whose groundbreaking 1993 discoveries…
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Old White Man Painted
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 17, 2013 According to sources familiar with the matter, a portrait has been commissioned of Dr. Maxwell T. Pennyweather, President of the University of Chicago’s Wealth Studies program. Pennyweather…
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Report: Career-Ready Graduates Spent Four Years Writing Satire, Fake News
By DJ LoBraico June 1, 2013 According to a recent report commissioned by the Office of Career Advancement, three of the most marketable and career-ready members of the graduating College class of 2013…
