By Katie Zellner April 23, 2016 “Seventeen, seh-seh-seventeen. SB seventeen twenty two.” Thus begins the song “Don’t Abort Her, Sir” from the trendy new musical penned by GOP lobbyist turned lyricist, Vernon White.…

By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 Tomato. The tomato is a wondrous red vegetable that can be used to make ketchup or marinara sauce.. A scientist once told me that the tomato is…

By Nik Varley Feb. 8, 2016 Researchers at CERN were thrilled to announce this morning that they have confirmed the existence of an entirely new bowl. The discovery was made using CERN’s Large…

By Rygar Flesh-man, Ice Age Jan. 22, 2016 After the application of advanced meteorology techniques to the surrounding environment, weathermen across the world have concluded that it is cold outside. Many are not…

By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 4, 2016 1. Emma Steinberg Emma Steinberg realized that she wanted to be a doctor during her freshman year of college when she volunteered at the local hospital and…

By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2015 This phenomenon is also known as Poseidon’s Kiss! Remember that this happened to gods too. Archeological studies found that the output of Hephaestus, Greek god of fire…

By Adam Lowinger Nov. 11, 2015 In an unexpected surprise, a Professor James.Richard Bunich of the Mathematics Ddepartment was recently visited by his parents. He was tTold on Wednesday that his parents would…

By Milena Pross Oct. 27, 2015 As many campus beefs go nowadays, it all started with a tweet. Last week, John “Jay” Ellison, the Ddean of Sstudents in the College, using the Twitter…

By Juan Caicedo Oct. 16, 2015 Perhaps you first heard about fuckboys from a parent, coach, or pastor. You may have seen one passing by in the hallway, one hand secure on a…

By Marlon C. Lynch, Associate VP for Safety and Security Aug. 9, 2015 The University of ChicagoSeptember 20, 2015Security Alert At approximately 9:50 p.m., Thursday June 19th, 2014 — A victim not affiliated…