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For First Time, More Graduates Expected to Cry at Graduation than Parents
By Evan Bernstein May 26, 2015 According to a study newly released study from by the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation at the University of Chicago, the bulk of the crying at…
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It Happened to Me: My One-Year-Old Stopped Thinking I Was Sexy
By Elizabeth Sawyer April 23, 2015 It’s every new mom’s worst nightmare. You think your relationship with your one-year old child is perfect. You stay up all night taking care of them, nursing…
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Low Self-Esteem Developing Tolerance to Paltry Facebook Notifications
By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 First-year Phillip Bartecki reported Tuesday that the low-quality Facebook notifications he receives no longer lift his spirits the way they used to. “Birthday notifications from old high-school…
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This is the Loneliest I’ve Ever Felt
By A Particle, Ten Nanoseconds after the Big Bang Feb. 1, 2015 Breakups are hard. One moment you’re sitting comfortably in a singularity with the particles you love. And the next you’re cast…
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Classified: Artist Seeks Torture
By Dan Lastres Dec. 31, 2014 Classified: Artist Seeks Torture Aspiring artist with privileged upbringing seeks malevolent acts to inspire creative works. Applicants can expect to Humiliate me in public Point…
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News in Brief: October 16, 2014
By Chicago Shady Dealer Nov. 19, 2014 President Zimmer Seeks Word to Describe the University’s Approach to Education Sources close to the Office of the President reported Friday that Robert J. Zimmer, in…
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Sorority Declares Raccoons In for Winter
By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 At a quarterly conference on seasonal fashion held Wednesday, the president of Omega Phi Pi announced that raccoons are officially “in” for winter. As a consequence, the…
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Public School Kid Discovered in Student Body
By James Newton Oct. 23, 2014 On November 30, the University of Chicago student body was finally completely purged of former public school students. Students and faculty breathed a collective sigh of relief…
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Fourth Year Excited to Procrastinate for Pleasure
By Chris Deakin May 14, 2014 Approaching the end of a lengthy college career spent putting off both academic and professional work, fourth-year Donald Sterling reports that he is excited to finally have…
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7 Jokes Only Craig Will Understand
By Zach Augustine April 20, 2014 1. When Craig threw that Frisbee into oncoming traffic on the Midway. Hilarious! 2. Who could forget the infamous guacamole incident last winter at Jimmy’s? Craig seemed…
