By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2016 After an exhaustive search into the various quantitative measurements of local resident David “Big Dave” Smith, scientists from the University of Chicago have announced Tuesday they have…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Feb. 18, 2016 Has science gone too far this time? Researchers in the Department of Computer Science at the University of Chicago have created a new model of Marco Rubio…

By Willamina Groething, 2056 Jan. 24, 2016 Robert Jeffrey Zimmer, age 108, beloved husband of Shadi Bartsch, of Chicago, IL, died at home Tuesday September 26, 2056. The Nobel Peace Laureate was the…

By Ashwin Rao, 1879 Jan. 22, 2016 Harken! Relieve your ears of the falsehood of the young rapscallions, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison and other conjurers of electric spirits. Do not yield to…

By Coach Danny Barret Dec. 31, 2015 There’s been a lot of college football playoff-related controversy since the concept was introduced last year. Most people are glad that the top four teams get…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 19, 2015 NASA Astronomer Charles Ledson announced on Thursday that they had discovered water in Breckinridge, a satellite dorm of the University of Chicago. “Today is a truly momentous…

By Evan Gorstein and Hillel Steinmetz Nov. 11, 2015 It was quite the miracle. UChicago sSecond-year undergraduate Judah Greenberg’s novelty bong remained lit for eight nights in a row, finally going out on…

By David North Oct. 23, 2015 A recent decision by editors of The Maroon, a “newspaper publisher” (sic) on campus, has moved the paper in a journalistic direction. The vote only nearly passed…

By Daniel Ruttenberg Oct. 12, 2015 Hey, stoners! Think you’re the head honcho? The pot pro? The marijuana master? Well, Cyrus Bellevue has you beat. This guy takes pothead to the next level.…

By Nico Aldape Aug. 5, 2015 Be happy when you’re talking to them, but not too happy. You want them to do the work of telling you they miss you and want to…