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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    My Little Pony Could Beat Up Your Little Pony

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 Yeah I said it. My Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine can kick any pony’s ass, even your little pony. Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine is a can full of sunshine… and…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: We Need to Put a Woman on the Maroon Dollar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 It is high time that the University of Chicago features a woman on the front of the Maroon Dollar. The University of Chicago has been a premier…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Overconfident First Year Takes All of Floor’s Condoms

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ashton Hashemipour Oct. 11, 2016 Quietly scurrying out of the communal bathroom, first-year Carl Smith was seen making his way towards his double roomm, his pockets filled to the brim with condoms.…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Donald Trump Receives a Human Heart: How Will This Change the Election?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Aug. 2, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he had received a human heart from a dedicated supporter and Iraq war veteran at Tuesday’s rally in Virginia. Politicos, pundits,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Since You’re in the Market for a New Country…

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg June 25, 2016 Don’t go changing your flag just yet, because we have an offer for you. You’ve got a vacancy, and we want in. That’s right: The Ruttenberg Family…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    White Male Econ Major from New York Goes Missing, No One Notices

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    10 Species That Are Almost Horses

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman April 26, 2016 1. Zebras. With their famous black and white stripes, Zebras are essentially angsty, different colored horses. 2. Alpacas. These Peruvian beasts of burden are South America’s horse.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: My Prospie is Trying to Look Like Me, and I’m Scared

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg April 14, 2016 I really need help here. My prospie, Michael, has beenis slowly changing his appearance to look like me, and this is definitely is not normal. To be…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Bernie Sanders Now 90% Meme

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger Feb. 18, 2016 In light of Senator Bernie Sanders’ recent success among the younger voters demographics, High-upsenior members of the Sanders cCampaign staff have begun to notices changes in thethe…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    You Really Fucked Up This Time, Seward

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chase Harrison, 1867 Jan. 22, 2016 I’ve seen a lot of follies on my time on this planet, but this is the folly to end all follies. What in God’s name were…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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