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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Review: Wolfschmidt Genuine Vodka

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matt Montequin Oct. 25, 2012 You may remember vodka from high school. All vodka is essentially rubbing alcohol, or so you thought on prom night. If you are a premium adult beverage…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Citizens Worried Proposed Single Payer System Will Force Them to Change Leech Provider

    Nik Varley / March 16, 2013

    Washington, D.C., 1860 Citizens across the country have expressed concern that a proposed single-payer healthcare system would limit their choice of which breeder supplies their medical leeches. The proposed reforms, informally dubbed LeechCare,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Introducing: Datamatch <3

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Chicago Shady Dealer Romance Division Feb. 6, 2019                Alright. Real talk. No jokes. Knock-Knock. Who’s there? Love, motherfucker. We did the research, — well actually,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Spend the Winter Alone: A How-To Guide on Planning a Snowball Fight for One

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Maybe you were late to cuffing season. Or maybe you’ve been banned from participating in your friend group’s Secret Santa after spending $0.07 over the limit for Janet last…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    HVZ-Related Injuries at Record High After New Rule Allows Melee Weapons

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Adam Lowinger Nov. 2, 2018 Following a new rule permitting the use of melee weapons, a recent report has shown a rise in injuries among Humans Versus Zombies players.  Humans Vs Zombies (HVZ)…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Bill Clinton Spotted Fighting with FIJI Bouncer

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Diego Pedulla-Smith and Wesley Adams Oct. 22, 2018   Students enjoying a lively Saturday night may have gotten a little more excitement than they had anticipated after President Bill Clinton got into…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Wrong Dungeon! How I Tried to Join a BDSM Group, Ended Up in a D&D Group

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Sept. 24, 2018 I was feeling a bit restless and my sex life was spiraling into abject boredom. Vanilla hookups weren’t doing anything for me and I’d masturbated to everything…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Off-Campus Apartment Fails Health Inspection

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Clarence Burrough May 25, 2018   The residents of 5743 South Cornell awoke to a health inspector knocking on their door this past Tuesday. Working quickly, the inspector documented eighteen violations, three of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Melville Furious Editors Changed “Crab” to “Whale” in Original Moby Dick Manuscript

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Terence Vestibule May 4, 2018 New York City, 1851 Herman Melville, renowned New York author and poet, was reportedly furious earlier today upon discovering that his editors had changed every instance of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Shady Dealer’s Must-Take Classes of Summer 2018

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deblina Mukherjee April 20, 2018 1. Dystopia, Utopia, Australia (NELC 69300) The scope of the honors section is the same as the standard section, but it covers material at greater depth and…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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