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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UC Leaks: Robot Under Mansueto Lonely, Depressed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Morales Aug. 25, 2017 A report titled “Final Overview: Mansueto Systems Anomalies” details a long string of investigations and investments whereinthat were the administration attempteding to restore normal function to the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    College in Chaos After Every First Year Registers for Honors Analysis

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Trietal Aug. 17, 2017 University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. “At…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison

    Thomas Noriega / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2017 A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Beautiful! Watch What Happens When We Tell These Couples We’ll Pay Them to Have Sex on Camera

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 by Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury Beautiful! Watch what happens when we tell these couples we’ll pay them to have sex on camera     Wow. That was…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Cambridge, M.A.Following recent political developments in the political sphere, astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated the massive LIGO gravitational wave interferometer to detect the possible intervention of an…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First White People Arrive in New World, Try to Turn Natives on to Gilmore Girls

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley, Jamestown 1607 Feb. 7, 2017 Jamestown, Virginia, 1607 – Sources have confirmed that the first white people have arrived in the New World and have immediately begun explaining to the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    God Inspired to Create Human Race by Jumanji Book, Not Movie

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Antonia Salisbury, 3760 B.C.E. Feb. 2, 2017 On the sixth day, God’s mom read him Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg – and from this fever dream of a children’s book, Adam’s image…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Food And Drug Administration issues report declaring “Both are Pretty Nice”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “Overall, both are pretty nice and we have…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 25, 2016 In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year2016 was an all-around tough year for many. Movies, music, and literature all lost foundational figures. More importantly, however,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Gouges Chapstick with Chapstick Cap

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 Sources confirmed Saturday evening that area woman Megan McMahon drove the cap of her Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean Moisturizing Lip Balm into the vanilla bean moisturizing lip…

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Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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