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Where Are They Now? Checking in With The Class of 1890
By Deblina Mukherjee May 5, 2018 Hyde Park, 2018 For more than 265 years, University of Chicago alumni have contributed extensively to the life of the University and to the larger society. Today,…
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“I Got Rectally Stimulated by Toilet Water, And I Liked It”
By Cyrus Pacht April 20, 2018 I am a paragon of heterosexuality, or so my fraternity tells me. I’ve ogled girls since the third grade, and once—surpassing many a UChicago male—ventured to speak…
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Album Review: Justin Timberlake’s “Man of the Woods”
By Nik Varley Feb. 20, 2018 Justin Timberlake In 1804, Lewis and Clark set forth on an incredible journey to explore the uncharted wilderness of the American Frontier. It is in the spirit…
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Homeopathic Breakthrough! “Expired Advil”
By Milena Pross Jan. 30, 2018 Throw all your arnica out the window and flush your chamomile down the toilet, folks! The doctors and doctors-adjacent just found the coolest new salve Gwyneth won’t…
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FIJI Social Chair Sadly Deletes Pinterest Page of Three Months
By Tex Drubo May 15, 2017 “It is just such a waste,” lamented Phi Gamma Delta’s Social Chair Josh Henderson. “Months of work went into this theme – all those months, down the…
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Mold-breaking Professor lets students decide midterm date as long as its 4th or 5th week
By Asher Leffell Oct. 17, 2017 UChicago has a long history of professors with big ideas. Every undergrad has heard at some point the story of Adam Stevens, the Chemistry professor who gave…
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Report: Filthy Apartment Has No-Shoes Policy
By Alan Weisz Aug. 18, 2017 Despite strictly enforcing their stringent “no shoes allowed” policy since they moved in last June, the residents of 5132 Greenwood Ave., Apt. 3A, have, by all accounts,…
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Airline Passenger Detained For Possession of Lethal Weapon 4
By Reed Thurston May 15, 2017 Muslim Air Passenger Detained For Possession of Lethal Weapon 4 Amid the ongoing turbulence of public concern over the safety of air travel in the United States,…
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Trump Surprises Pence, Awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom
By Dan Lastres April 21, 2017 Trump Surprises Pence, awards him Presidential Chastity-Belt of Freedom The White House – On Tuesday evening, President Trump surprised Vice President Mike Pence by awarding him the…
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Mitch McConnell Announces No Further Bills Will Pass the Senate Until Funding for His Turtle Snacks Is Approved
By Christopher Walker April 10, 2017 Mitch McConnell announces no further bills will pass the senate until funding for his turtle snacks is approvedWASHINGTON D.C – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell issued a…
