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UC Leaks: Robot Under Mansueto Lonely, Depressed
By Alex Morales Aug. 25, 2017 A report titled “Final Overview: Mansueto Systems Anomalies” details a long string of investigations and investments whereinthat were the administration attempteding to restore normal function to the…
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College in Chaos After Every First Year Registers for Honors Analysis
By Mark Trietal Aug. 17, 2017 University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. “At…
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“You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison
By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2017 A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison,…
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Beautiful! Watch What Happens When We Tell These Couples We’ll Pay Them to Have Sex on Camera
By Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 by Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury Beautiful! Watch what happens when we tell these couples we’ll pay them to have sex on camera Wow. That was…
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Scientists 99% Certain That Our Universe is Just Someone’s D&D Campaign
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Cambridge, M.A.Following recent political developments in the political sphere, astrophysicists at MIT have re-calibrated the massive LIGO gravitational wave interferometer to detect the possible intervention of an…
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First White People Arrive in New World, Try to Turn Natives on to Gilmore Girls
By Nik Varley, Jamestown 1607 Feb. 7, 2017 Jamestown, Virginia, 1607 – Sources have confirmed that the first white people have arrived in the New World and have immediately begun explaining to the…
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God Inspired to Create Human Race by Jumanji Book, Not Movie
By Antonia Salisbury, 3760 B.C.E. Feb. 2, 2017 On the sixth day, God’s mom read him Jumanji by Chris Van Allsburg – and from this fever dream of a children’s book, Adam’s image…
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Food And Drug Administration issues report declaring “Both are Pretty Nice”
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 On Tuesday, the FDA released its yearly report on the status of foods and drugs in America, concluding that “Overall, both are pretty nice and we have…
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In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year
By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 25, 2016 In Memoriam: 100 Safe Spaces We Lost This Year2016 was an all-around tough year for many. Movies, music, and literature all lost foundational figures. More importantly, however,…
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Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Gouges Chapstick with Chapstick Cap
By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 Sources confirmed Saturday evening that area woman Megan McMahon drove the cap of her Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean Moisturizing Lip Balm into the vanilla bean moisturizing lip…
