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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Urine-leaking Box Surprisingly Does Not Contain Puppy

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 26, 2014 When he entered his living room on Christmas morning, Tommy Harrison found that the urine-leaking box under his tree did not, in fact, contain a puppy. Tommy,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Second Year Astoundingly Close to Developing Most Fuckable Personality on Campus

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Dan Lastres Nov. 17, 2014 Second-year Janotta House resident Devlin Ryder has successfully acquired the most fuckable personality at the University of Chicago. After spending all summer learning to hand-roll sushi and…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Government Launches Invasion of Iraq

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Clay Olsen Oct. 29, 2014 The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler “Tawny Lion” Kissinger announced yesterday…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Candy Corn Neither

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 A Chicago Shady Dealer exclusive investigation has revealed that the beloved Halloween treat is neither candy nor corn. The classic late-October treat was exposed as an outright…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Poor Harvest: A Shady Dealer Investigative Report

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Foster May 13, 2014 Every day, millions of students enter Cathey Dining Commons eager to once more satisfy their insatiable yearnings for oil and Chicken Nugget Parmesan. And day after day,…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Study Break Quality Reflects RA’s Break-up

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King April 20, 2014 Totino’s Pizza Rolls were provided for residents at May House study break this Sunday for the second week in a row, an anomaly many residents attribute to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Pope Declares Infanticide Only Legitimate Birth Control

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 22, 2014 In a speech Monday, Pope Francis decreed that infanticide is the only form of birth control that the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics are permitted to use. As…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    President Shot; Lincoln, Theatre Dead

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Maximilian Rochester, Theatre Critic (April 15, 1865) Jan. 24, 2014 Americans across our great union are mourning today for the loss of a strong and noble leader who has carried us through…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Forgets to Scan ID, Central Shuttle Ignites

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein Nov. 22, 2013 BREAKING NEWS At approximately 6:04 P.M. Thursday, a UChicago NightRide shuttle bus burst into flames after second-year Devon McLaster forgot to scan his UCID card when boarding.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student with Hardest Life Definitely Todd

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Sands Nov. 9, 2013 A massive, longitudinal study has determined that Todd Johnson, a third-year in the College, has live leads thehardest most difficult life of any University of Chicago student.…

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Read It and Weep

  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

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