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It Only Hurts Until You Man Up and Get Over It
By Dan’s Tough Dad March 1, 2015 Let me take you back. It’s 1983. I have a full head of hair and a BMI of 24. I’m preparing to go to the qualifying…
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City of Chicago Releases Election Results
By Matt Goldenberg Feb. 24, 2015 In a surprise press conference that took place just hours before polls opened, the City of Chicago has announced the results of the mayoral election. The election…
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Meteor Defense System Behind Schedule and Over Budget
By A T-rex Feb. 1, 2015 EARTH C. 65,000,000 BCE — I’m proud to say I’m a small-government kind of dino. Dinosaurs should be self-sufficient and self-reliant, that’s what I always say. Uncle…
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If You Die in the Med, You Die in Real Life
By by Vice President for Safety and Security Marlon Lynch Dec. 30, 2014 Wow. I think something fucking crazy happened under the Reg once. I know your professors would never breathe a word…
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After Long Deliberation, America Chooses Greater of Two Evils
By Daniel Moattar Nov. 16, 2014 After long deliberation, informed consideration, and an even-keeled look at the issues, America has handed the reins over to the greater of two profound evils, polling organizations…
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Town of Fonts Finds Itself Sans Sheriff
By Si Squires-Kasten Nov. 13, 2014 In a story first picked up by the New Roman Times, the town of Tahoma, Georgia has been sans sheriff for the last four days. Pressed to…
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After First Beers, First Years Cry First Tears
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 After quite a night of drinking and thinking, smarties at parties had too much Bacardi and fell into a well of crying and sighing, not one son…
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Fashion Scientists Search for New Black Substitute
By Isaac Krone May 13, 2014 The clothing industry is in tumult today as its best and brightest minds desperately seekh for what analysts call the “new black.” This coveted resource, arguably the…
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University of Chicago Announces Todd Awareness Day
By Noah Lemelson April 20, 2014 Caving to popular demand,, The University of Chicago announced yesterday that it will host a Todd Awareness Day on June 13th. Many suspect the University’s decision may…
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Boyer to Reopen Anatomy Department in His Basement
By Walker King Feb. 22, 2014 Speaking to members of the press yesterday,University Dean John Boyer announced that the University of Chicago would be reopening its anatomy department in the basement of Boyer’s…
