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Cyclists on Quad: “We just can’t get off our bikes”
By Chris Deakin Nov. 7, 2012 A survey of Hyde Park bicycle riders released Friday has found that the majority are unable to get off of their bikes once they have entered the…
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Trace Amounts of Water Found in Chicago River
By Daniel Moattar Oct. 20, 2012 CHICAGO, I.L. — Researchers at Northwestern University’s Department of Planetary Sciences announced the discovery of water in the Chicago River, confirming results of two years of battery…
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How To Tell Your Parents You’re a Philosophy Major Now
By Jean-Jacques Buterbaugh Dec. 5, 2018 You got home for winter break the other day but you can feel a lingering tension in the air. Your parents seem excited to see you but they…
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Administration Finally Addresses Dental Health Stigma Through Dental Health Awareness Week
By Harry Weinstein Dec. 5, 2018 Last Thursday, Dean John Boyer unveiled a new wellness initiative: Dental Health Awareness Week. Dean Boyer said the campaign was put in place to ensure no student forgets…
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Bookstore Adds Hard Liquor to School Supply Section
By Oliva Reeves Nov. 2, 2018 Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive merchandise collection. …
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Ghosts of Friedman, Stigler Moan in 4th Circle of Hell as Ominous Trumpet Announces Entry of New Damned Soul
By Tsing Sum Lo Oct. 26, 2018 Infernal sources from the 4th Circle of Hell report that the spirits of George J. Stigler and Milton Friedman let out soul-splitting moans from their…
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Man Sues the Sun for $385 Million in Cancer Settlement
By Jacob Johnson Sept. 24, 2018 In an unprecedented legal action, Bay Area resident Thomas Harshburger filed a complaint today against none other than the Sun, the well-known star orbited by planet…
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Alumni Association Hastily Shuts Down DMT Garden Following Mass Vomiting, Hysterical Preaching
By Nik Varley May 25, 2018 University administrators reportedly shut down the Alumni Weekend DMT Garden following reports of mass vomiting and hysterical preaching. The garden, initially intended as a relaxed environment in…
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Exclusive: We Interviewed A Campus Gargoyle
By David Manchego May 5, 2018 Hyde Park, 2018 There’s an old Irish (American) limerick that goes something like this: “There once was a gargoyle from Nantucket, then he moved to Hyde Park…
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Op Ed: Who Do We Worship at Rockefeller Chapel?
By Confused Prospective 1st Year April 20, 2018 When I came to campus for an “April Overnight Visit,” I was delighted to discover that the tallest building on campus is none other than…
