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Urine-leaking Box Surprisingly Does Not Contain Puppy
By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 26, 2014 When he entered his living room on Christmas morning, Tommy Harrison found that the urine-leaking box under his tree did not, in fact, contain a puppy. Tommy,…
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Second Year Astoundingly Close to Developing Most Fuckable Personality on Campus
By Dan Lastres Nov. 17, 2014 Second-year Janotta House resident Devlin Ryder has successfully acquired the most fuckable personality at the University of Chicago. After spending all summer learning to hand-roll sushi and…
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Student Government Launches Invasion of Iraq
By Clay Olsen Oct. 29, 2014 The University of Chicago will commence ground operations in the state of Iraq during the next two weeks, Student Government President Tyler “Tawny Lion” Kissinger announced yesterday…
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Candy Corn Neither
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 21, 2014 A Chicago Shady Dealer exclusive investigation has revealed that the beloved Halloween treat is neither candy nor corn. The classic late-October treat was exposed as an outright…
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Poor Harvest: A Shady Dealer Investigative Report
By Alex Foster May 13, 2014 Every day, millions of students enter Cathey Dining Commons eager to once more satisfy their insatiable yearnings for oil and Chicken Nugget Parmesan. And day after day,…
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Study Break Quality Reflects RA’s Break-up
By Walker King April 20, 2014 Totino’s Pizza Rolls were provided for residents at May House study break this Sunday for the second week in a row, an anomaly many residents attribute to…
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Pope Declares Infanticide Only Legitimate Birth Control
By Matthew Goldenberg Feb. 22, 2014 In a speech Monday, Pope Francis decreed that infanticide is the only form of birth control that the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics are permitted to use. As…
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President Shot; Lincoln, Theatre Dead
By Maximilian Rochester, Theatre Critic (April 15, 1865) Jan. 24, 2014 Americans across our great union are mourning today for the loss of a strong and noble leader who has carried us through…
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Student Forgets to Scan ID, Central Shuttle Ignites
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 22, 2013 BREAKING NEWS At approximately 6:04 P.M. Thursday, a UChicago NightRide shuttle bus burst into flames after second-year Devon McLaster forgot to scan his UCID card when boarding.…
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Student with Hardest Life Definitely Todd
By Mark Sands Nov. 9, 2013 A massive, longitudinal study has determined that Todd Johnson, a third-year in the College, has live leads thehardest most difficult life of any University of Chicago student.…