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First Year Struggles to Hide Stolen Condoms Before Family Weekend
By Marlin Figgins Oct. 12, 2016 First –year Jameson A. Delaney, who requested to be called by his stage name “Jay D- Lane”, is now releasing his first single, which is based on…
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10 Times Your Lab Partner Wasn’t Actually Flirting with You
By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck Sept. 7, 2016 By Katie Zellner and Morgan Pantuck 1. When he invited you over to look at his sheets. Unfortunately, those weren’t 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton, but…
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Omance Goes Oorly
By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 A recent Omance between Benjamin Brooks and Cate Preston has gone Oorly, according to anonymous Ources. The Ources say Brooks and Preston Oth live in Ony Island…
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Jeb and Hillary Launch New Line of Cooking Utensils
By Paul Alves May 14, 2016 Jeb! and Hillary Clinton have announced a joint effort to stop the political momentum of Donald Trump: a brand new campaign cooking line. This line of accoutrements will help…
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Murdered Statistician Found Normally Distributed
By Nico Aldape May 13, 2016 In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered deceased statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found uniformlynormally…
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My Three-Star Review of Getting Dominos to Bake Me Into A Pizza
By Teddy Zamborsky April 23, 2016 Last week, I convinced Domino’s Pizza to bake me into a giant pie. A pizza pie. Like tThe kind with cheese, not fruit. Look at the picture,.…
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The University of Chicago Systematically Discriminates Against the Moronic
By Juan Caicedo Feb. 19, 2016 Western society already trails a long litany of discrimination behind it, including racism, homophobia, and misogyny. But so far one form of discrimination has been left out:…
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Dean Ellison Spends Romantic Valentine’s Day Answering Emails from Risk Management
By Walker King Feb. 15, 2016 John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College at the University of Chicago, spent a romantic and relaxing Valentine’s Day alone in his office, primarily responding…
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Pilgrims Discover Lollapalooza
By David North, 1620 Jan. 22, 2016 Earlier this week, a group of English separatists fled the hostile religious climate of Europe and happened upon the popular alternative rock music festival, Lollapalooza. The…
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Why I am Requesting a Room Change
By Milena Pross Jan. 4, 2016 I was so excited to have a roommate in college.F from first impressions alone, Edna seemed great. But we’re a quarter in, and I’m requesting to move…
