By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 Sources confirmed Saturday evening that area woman Megan McMahon drove the cap of her Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean Moisturizing Lip Balm into the vanilla bean moisturizing lip…

By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 Yeah I said it. My Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine can kick any pony’s ass, even your little pony. Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine is a can full of sunshine… and…

By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 It is high time that the University of Chicago features a woman on the front of the Maroon Dollar. The University of Chicago has been a premier…

By Ashton Hashemipour Oct. 11, 2016 Quietly scurrying out of the communal bathroom, first-year Carl Smith was seen making his way towards his double roomm, his pockets filled to the brim with condoms.…

By Breck Radulovic Aug. 2, 2016 Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced that he had received a human heart from a dedicated supporter and Iraq war veteran at Tuesday’s rally in Virginia. Politicos, pundits,…

By Daniel Ruttenberg June 25, 2016 Don’t go changing your flag just yet, because we have an offer for you. You’ve got a vacancy, and we want in. That’s right: The Ruttenberg Family…

By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 First year and prospective economics major Bret Nicholson from New York went missing last week. No one noticed. Of the hundreds of other straight, white males from…

By Ryan Fleishman April 26, 2016 1. Zebras. With their famous black and white stripes, Zebras are essentially angsty, different colored horses. 2. Alpacas. These Peruvian beasts of burden are South America’s horse.…

By Daniel Ruttenberg April 14, 2016 I really need help here. My prospie, Michael, has beenis slowly changing his appearance to look like me, and this is definitely is not normal. To be…

By Adam Lowinger Feb. 18, 2016 In light of Senator Bernie Sanders’ recent success among the younger voters demographics, High-upsenior members of the Sanders cCampaign staff have begun to notices changes in thethe…