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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fuckboy Quits Scav After Failing to Find Clitoris

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson May 14, 2016 After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University of Chicago Campus Temporarily Relocated to Rural Illinois after Muggings

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Willamina Groething May 13, 2016 The University of Chicago campus will be moved to the University of Chicago’s Center in Wynoose, IL for the 2016-2017 academic year after several armed robberies in…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Off-Ocean Program Brings Whales to UChicago

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson April 23, 2016 DueAnnouncing to a new shared initiative between the SHAMU (Society for Humans Meeting Animal Undergraduates) University of Chicago and the Marine Biological Lab in Woods Hole Massachusetts,Saint…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Student’s Guide to Sneaking LSD from Craig

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mary Vansuch Feb. 22, 2016 Now, I’m not saying that I have ever used LSD, or that I even know Craig. These are just rumors I’ve heard from through the grapevine. Nor…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Area Man Loses Control of Sandwich

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Feb. 18, 2016 In a display that eyewitnesses called “devastatingdevasting” and “jaw– dropping”, area student James Wilbur lost control of his sandwich earlier this afternoon. The sandwich, which contained a…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow: “I am Not a Crook!”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic, 1871 Jan. 22, 2016 To the Editor: Recent accusations of arson against me have deeply troubled my conscience, and I am writing from the confines of Cook County jail to…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Taking the Next Step Devolves into All-Out Fuckfest

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 11, 2016 Employees of the office of career advancement were surprised this Thursday when their Taking the Next Step seminar devolved into an all– out fuckfest. Students, faculty, and…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Female Philosophy Major Thought Experiments With Women

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg Dec. 31, 2015 According to Shady Dealer reporters, at Bar Night on January 6, y 10th, third-year Lisa D’Angelo thought experimented for the first time with a woman by, as…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    US News Releases Rankings of Most Prestigious Prisons

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Nov. 12, 2015 Earlier this week, US News and World Report released their annual rankings of the nation’s most prestigious prisons. The 5 top top 5 ranked prisons have been…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Blackouts End as Gentrification Begins

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Grace Quigley Nov. 2, 2015 DETROIT– Economists and demographers have noted a distinct negative correlation between blackouts and gentrification in certain neighborhoods here following the Great Recession of 2008. .In the turmoil…

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Read It and Weep

  • Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo

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