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Traffic on the Quad Grinds to a Halt as Two Students Fail to Walk Past Each Other
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Wednesday, April 10At approximately 12:47 pm this Wednesday afternoon, local UChicago first-years Timothy Burnside and Felix Gardner became locked in a stunning display of over-politeness mixed with…
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Chicago Scientists Discover that the First Eukaryotic Cell was a Giant Asshole
By Marlin Figgins, Primordial Soup, 1.5 Billion Years Ago Feb. 6, 2017 In a new groundbreaking new study, microbiologists have been able to finally decipher cellular signals used by early prokaryotes. To the…
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Tips for Giving Blowjobs with Wooden Teeth
By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 This article is for all the sexy women (and men!) out there with a little wood in their teeth that don’t wanna let that get in…
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Ø 119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol
By Jack U. Leighton Jan. 17, 2017 Ø 119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol Ø The freshly-inaugurated 119th Congress kicked off a historic session by rewriting the senate’s rules…
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Provost’s Typo Blamed for Epidemic of Open Intercourse All over Campus
By Dan Lastres Dec. 22, 2016 p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000; min-height: 14.0px} span.s1…
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United States Agree to Amicable Separation, Splits into Seven New Countries
By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 The United States of America confirmed this week that they have separated into seven distinct sovereign nationsstates. The countriey’s‘ media representative told the Shady Dealer that the…
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10 Reasons to Have Sex with Everyone in Your House
By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 1. Sex 2. Networking 3. They said college was for experimenting 4. Reduced travel time between hookups 5. Everyone will know your name 6. More sex 7.…
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Five Fun, Unique Places to Throw Up in Your Residence Hall
By Nik Varley Oct. 14, 2016 When you’re meeting people ina college, it’s important to make a splash. O-Wweek is a time to show people who you really are, and establish yourself as…
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Climate Study Finds Place With Highest Temperature Extremes Hot Pocket in Lab Microwave
By Nico Aldape Oct. 10, 2016 After reaching the scientific conclusion that “this doesn’t look anything like the one on the box,” a University of Chicago Department of Geophysical Sciences study has found…
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12 Apostles Ranked According to Attractiveness
By Liam Coles May 13, 2016 12) Thomas: People like men with conviction. 11) Matthew: Taxes suck. 10) James: Not even mentioned in John’s Gospel. 9) Phillip: Cute but not even miraculous. 8)…
