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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Discreet Mathematics Course To Be Held at 3 A.M. in Undisclosed Parking Garage

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston May 25, 2018 According to anonymous sources within the University’s Math department, a new listing has been added to the graduate-level course catalogue for the autumn quarter of 2018. It…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: Well, This Whole Pope Smoke System Is Nutso!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Priest Geoff May 1, 2018 The Vatican, 1500 A.D. Well, here I was at the Vatican, ready for the best study abroad of all time. I’d been holed up at the seminary…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Exposed: The 55th Street Fire Station is Actually a Police Station

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross April 20, 2018 Suspicious, indeed. After a three year long investigation, the Shady Dealer has concluded that the firehouse located on 55th Street between University and Woodlawn Avenues is not…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Boss Baby Sweeps the Oscars!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Shady Dealer Newsdesk Feb. 20, 2018 Boss Baby (AB ’97, MBA ’04) Oscar audiences around the world waited with bated breath as the winner for Best Picture was announced. Many were expecting…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Health Trend: Hiring a Sensei to Kick Your Ass

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Image by Aubrey Christofersen  There’s a new health craze going around, and it’s not what you think! Fed up with demanding diets, cleanses and workout routines, many…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    ISIS Apologizes For Terrorism With Gigantic Wooden Horse

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman Oct. 17, 2017 After years of wreaking havoc throughout the Western world with unbridled violence and hatred, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) has finally announced that they…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UC Leaks: Robot Under Mansueto Lonely, Depressed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Morales Aug. 25, 2017 A report titled “Final Overview: Mansueto Systems Anomalies” details a long string of investigations and investments whereinthat were the administration attempteding to restore normal function to the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    College in Chaos After Every First Year Registers for Honors Analysis

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Mark Trietal Aug. 17, 2017 University officials are reporting overfull classrooms, teacher shortages, and general panic after finding that every member of the class of 2021 has registered for honors analysis. “At…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    “You Can Run but You Can’t Hide!” Screams Chainsaw-Wielding Dean Ellison

    Thomas Noriega / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega May 5, 2017 A peaceful demonstration against the Trump administration ended in chaos as University Dean John “Jay” Ellison ran into the mass of protesteors wielding a Craftsman-brand chainsaw. Ellison,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Beautiful! Watch What Happens When We Tell These Couples We’ll Pay Them to Have Sex on Camera

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury April 19, 2017 by Finn Clark and Antonia Salisbury Beautiful! Watch what happens when we tell these couples we’ll pay them to have sex on camera     Wow. That was…

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Read It and Weep

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  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals

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