By Greer Baxter Aug. 18, 2017 In partnership with the University of Nome, scientists from UofChicago have recently concluded a series of canine sleep experiments, the results of which confirmed what many had…

By Dan Lastres May 15, 2017 Distressed President Zimmer forcibly removed from O’Hare airport for soliciting donations An arrest report released today by the Chicago Police Department confirmed that University President Robert J.…

By Nik Varley April 20, 2017 Student Asks Mugger If He Takes Venmo 55th and Maryland – At approximately 8:47 PM, eyewitnesses told the Dealer that student Todd Greenblatt was mugged on his…

By Eric M. Heath, Associate VP for Safety and Security Dec. 14, 2016 The University of Chicago December 14, 2016 Security Alert AAt approximately 1:35 p.m., Wednesday, December 14 – A n individual…

By Weed Hat Feb. 28, 2017 I Chose to Leave – Weed Hat At this moment, the one you all call “Weed Hat Girl” has likely worked you gullible lot of university students…

By Marlin Figgins Feb. 6, 2017 President Abraham Lincoln was shot and killed today during a production of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. The assassin’s motives are, as of now, unknown, but he…

By Dan Lastres, Cana 25 C.E. Jan. 30, 2017 Cana, 25 AD- Jesus H. Christ, a Nazarene of Galilee, seems like your average carpenter. He dresses in open– toed sandals, plain robes, and…

By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 16, 2017 Area student Deborah Green, colloquially known as “Dee-Dee,” is currently under the impression that her attraction to various types of dogs is a uniquely defining feature of…

By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 When he’s not fighting crime in Gotham City, Batman (known asby Bruce Wayne to the publicas a private citizen), loves to be with his wife in Wayne…

By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 Communist Revolutionary and author of the book New Communism Bob Avakian recently announced that Q3 of 2016 was his best quarter yet, bringing in a record $6.1…