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Circle Jerk More of an Oval
By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 Over the past week, The Dealer has received numerous phone calls, anonymous tips, and letters regarding this weekend’s horrific event on the North Side. The Circle Jerk…
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Students Fight to Save Summer Lynx
By Alex Dunlap Feb. 22, 2014 A group calling itself “Save the Summer Lynx” has raised concerns that changes in University policy may pose an “existential threat” to the future of the endangered…
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World’s Largest Porn Collection Burns Down
By Walker King (391) Jan. 24, 2014 zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world’s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus.…
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Breast Cancer Becomes Aware
By Morgan Pantuck Dec. 24, 2013 After decades of painstaking medical research and ardent fundraising efforts, Breast Cancer finally became aware during a thunderstorm last Tuesday morning at 3:52 AM PST. According to…
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Monsanto Launches New GM-O’s Breakfast Cereal
By Alex Hearn Nov. 9, 2013 At this weekend’s Grain and Cereal Convention, the Monsanto Company unveiled “GM-O’s,” its flagship brand in a new line of genetically-modified breakfast cereals. “We at Monsanto are…
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Well-dressed hipster in your SOSC class died in 1953
By Simon Stanco Oct. 18, 2013 Officials in the University of Chicago Supernatural Care and Radio-Ectoplasmology Department (UCSCARED), after investigating numerous reports of an almost translucently pale hipster attending SOSC classes, have revealed…
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Undergrad Begins Quest For Truth
By Zach Augustine Aug. 2, 2013 Incoming first-year Sally Danderson is determined to finally solve not one but several of the vital issues that have been plaguing philosophy for all of recorded human…
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Good Thing Nearly Allowed to Happen
By Daniel Moattar May 23, 2013 WASHINGTON, CHICAGO, NEW YORK, LOS ANGELES, JOHANNESBURG, TOKYO, NEW DELHI, CAIRO, SHANGHAI, BUENOS AIRES, SAO PAULO, JERUSALEM, BEIRUT – A consistent pattern of global economic, social, and…
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The Chicago Shady Dealer endorses Slate Slate
By Editorial Board April 23, 2013 The University of Chicago has a rocky road ahead. Recently, our school has been rocked by a number of scandals, and we can’t afford to remain sedimentary…
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Editorial: What’s the curve on this nuclear test?
By Kim Jong-un Feb. 24, 2013 Professor? Hey, professor? I was just wondering – about that test last week? Yeah, the nuclear test. We had to set off the device underground and everything…
