By Willamina Groething Nov. 16, 2014 1. You keep bumping into each other, and it’s feeling more and more deliberate on her part. 2. It’s as though the wind’s knocked out of you…

By Chris Deakin Oct. 24, 2014 This morning, around 10 a.m., local accountant Irene Berger observed local goose Patrick the Goose make a particularly “goose” face. Berger recounted to The Dealer that she…

By Isaac Krone Aug. 10, 2014 After a devastating thirteen hours of sexile, Hitchcock resident Ryan Thompson was able to re-enter his beloved room—a room now deeply scarred by a bitter battle for…

By Daniel Moattar April 21, 2014 The Pritzker School of Medicine’s inaugural Doctors Without Boyers expedition departed Hyde Park for the Republic of Somaliland today, becoming the first party of U.S. doctors to…

By Isaac Krone April 20, 2014 Prominent mathematician Dr. Ernest Poyevski shocked the mathematics world yesterday when he presented a paper, to be published in Communications on Pure and Applied Mathematics, which estimates…

By Alex Dunlap Feb. 20, 2014 James G. Nondorf, the Univeristy of Chicago’s Dean of College Admissions and Financial Aid, has been appointed the first Director of Patient Admissions for the University of…

By Dan Brier Dec. 29, 2013 10. Dennis’s Friendly College 9. Yale University 8. Harvey Mudd College 7. The Sparxxx School at Cowhands’ Pass 6. University of Chicago 5. Oklahoma State University School…

By Becky Stoner Nov. 9, 2013 “It’s like you took Locks of Love and No Shave November, mashed them together in a blender on ICE setting, and came up with the charity Alopecians…

By Chris Deakin Oct. 29, 2013 Through the Ryerson Telescope (in focus) Bathroom mirror of your TA’s place In the Smart Museum, touching the Rothko In your dorm room, with the Christmas lights…

By Becky Stoner Sept. 9, 2013 This O-Week, I will: Grow: · 1 (one) inch, 3 (three) pounds Mature: · Mention the word loins during only one (1) icebreaker. Synergize: ·Curate one (1)…