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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Life of the Mined

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By A Lump of Coal Nov. 13, 2014 The hardest part of being both a first year at the University of Chicago and a sentient lump of coal would have to be adjusting…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Look: Chris Christie Flashes Major Side Boob!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Annabelle Newport Oct. 23, 2014 Chris Christie is living on the edge. The presidential hopeful and second-term Governor of New Jersey paraded into the office this morning flaunting some major side boob…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We Should Reject the Binary

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By by Intel 2.4 GHz Dual Core i7 May 13, 2014 10101000000010000001001011010101001100101101000111010011110010101110100000101100110111000100100011001010001101110000001110010111111100101011110010110011101110000101111000011100011110110110001110001110000010011100100110010000001110100110101100011100001111000001110111001111100000001101111101101011110110000011110010000001111110011000110000010101110011110011010011011011101110011100011001101011100001100100000011011100010001100111000011001011110111001010111011011000011110000100010001100110101011100101011001111011100011111100010101101101111010010001011101011001010101000100011100101100101110110011110011110001100001011000011001001110110011011011001010101000000101100111100001000111101110010111011111011000101111001110000100101011001101101000110010110001100010100110100000000101001101010111001001000111100011011101110101100

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Circle Jerk More of an Oval

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Evan Bernstein April 20, 2014 Over the past week, The Dealer has received numerous phone calls, anonymous tips, and letters regarding this weekend’s horrific event on the North Side. The Circle Jerk…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Students Fight to Save Summer Lynx

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Alex Dunlap Feb. 22, 2014 A group calling itself “Save the Summer Lynx” has raised concerns that changes in University policy may pose an “existential threat” to the future of the endangered…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    World’s Largest Porn Collection Burns Down

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Walker King (391) Jan. 24, 2014 zTragedy struck Egypt yesterday when the Library of Alexandria, the world’s largest depository of pornographic materials, was burned to the ground by Roman Emperor Lucius Aurelianus.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Student Enjoyed Studying A Broad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg Dec. 24, 2013 In an interview conducted last week, third-year in the College Jacob Sandilson confirmed that he really enjoyed studying a broad last summer. There had been rumors among…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    First Snow is a Credit Whore

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Second Snow Nov. 9, 2013 Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Boasts Commendatory Environment for Child Laborers in Mansueto

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Keem Oct. 18, 2013 The Illinois Department of Labor has rated the University of Chicago’s Joe and Rika Mansueto Library a 9.1 on its Busy Little Fingers scale of youth-driven industrial…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Housecest accounts for Mere 95% of O-Week Hookups

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ayesha Wadhawan Aug. 2, 2013 In the early days of the 2013-14 academic year, the proportion of O-Week hook-ups between individuals of the same house has reached a shocking low of 95%.…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
  • New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist

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