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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Letter from the Vice Provost on Manifest Destiny: “To the Maroons of the Future”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Killian Makepeace Warburton May 5, 2018 Chicago, 1895 The Shady Dealer staff was digging up the foundations of Cobb for no particular reason, and discovered a small metal capsule containing a letter…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Paul Ryan Resigns: Plans to “Spend More Time Silently Staring at the Wall While Hugging His Knees”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 20, 2018 Speaker of the House Paul Ryan surprised Washington this week by announcing that he will not seek re-election in the upcoming midterms. The speaker is reportedly giving…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Campus Blue Lights form Union

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jalen Jiang Feb. 20, 2018   A contingent of campus-wide emergency phones voted in favor of forming a union, with 192 of the inanimate steel posts casting ‘YES’ votes over 95 ‘NO’…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ask Student Health!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Student Health Services and Student Counseling Services Jan. 30, 2018 Introducing “Ask Student Health!,” a weekly feature wherein UChicago’s very own physicians and counselors answer your health and wellness questions! After your…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    4 O-Mances That Should Have Ended By Now

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deb Mukherjee Oct. 17, 2017 Justin and Amanda: Justin and Amanda. Justin and Amanda. She’s four foot eight, he’s five foot ten, could we make it any more obvious that they’re incompatible?…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Fun Burned in Effigy in Annual Ceremony

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Sam Hoffman Aug. 17, 2017 At the stroke of midnight on Friday, September 15, a select group of O-Aides, Dean Boyer, and 13 professors chosen by lottery met in the exact center…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ok, That’s The Last Time I Date An Undecided Voter

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Greer Baxter May 14, 2017 Ok, That’s The Last Time I Date An Undecided Voter So I met this cute guy at a party, and he let it slip that he was…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley April 20, 2017 New Divinity School Dean Strings Up Sinners in the Village Square On March 28th, The University of Chicago announced that Laurie Zoloth, a preeminent religious scholar, has…

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Read It and Weep

  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

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