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Feral Child Raised by Improv Troupe
By Morgan Pantuck April 22, 2016 Chicago Aauthorities were shocked earlier this week by the discovery of a feral child in Chicago, Illinois whom they believe to have been raised by an improv…
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Torrented New Kanye Album Ruled Best Virus Of All Time
By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 After searching through pirating websites desperately this Sunday for Kanye’s new album to download illegally through their chosen torrent client, critics agree that Kanye’s The Life of…
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Quantum Football Physics Rocked by Discovery of New Kind of Bowl
By Nik Varley Feb. 8, 2016 Researchers at CERN were thrilled to announce this morning that they have confirmed the existence of an entirely new bowl. The discovery was made using CERN’s Large…
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It’s Cold Outside
By Rygar Flesh-man, Ice Age Jan. 22, 2016 After the application of advanced meteorology techniques to the surrounding environment, weathermen across the world have concluded that it is cold outside. Many are not…
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6 Pre-Meds More Qualified than You
By Morgan Pantuck Jan. 4, 2016 1. Emma Steinberg Emma Steinberg realized that she wanted to be a doctor during her freshman year of college when she volunteered at the local hospital and…
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What to do if the Toilet Water Splashes in Your Butthole
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2015 This phenomenon is also known as Poseidon’s Kiss! Remember that this happened to gods too. Archeological studies found that the output of Hephaestus, Greek god of fire…
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Professor Embarrassed Over Sudden Family Visit
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 11, 2015 In an unexpected surprise, a Professor James.Richard Bunich of the Mathematics Ddepartment was recently visited by his parents. He was tTold on Wednesday that his parents would…
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Lactose Intolerance No Longer Allowed on Campus
By Ryan Fleishman Oct. 31, 2015 Last Thursday, Dean Boyer and his fellow rulers of The University of Chicago have = banned all forms of lactose-intolerance, ranging from mild lactose-aversion to full blown…
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Obama Weds Shinzo Abe in Trans-Pacific Partnership
By Zachary Spitz Oct. 16, 2015 To finalize the Trans-Pacific Partnership, President Barack Obama married Prime Minister Shinzo Abe of Japan in a ceremony in Atlanta this week.The historic partnership is the culmination…
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Top 7 Most Creative House Themes
By Milena Pross Aug. 9, 2015 The university prides itself on its unique housing system. With thirty-eight houses and eleven dormitories, the places where students live vary in appearance, cleanliness, and distance from…
