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Crying Student Ruins Vibe of Campus Tour
By Morgan Pantuck Oct. 17, 2016 According to insider reports, area undergraduate student Molly Green unintentionally ruined the vibe of an UChicago campus tour given by Ben Smith earlier this week by crying…
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I Love The New Direction Packed Is Taking
By Chase Harrison Oct. 11, 2016 Well, they reimagined again. After causing a total campus meltdown last year, Packed: Dumplings Reimagined is back. The fast casual, organic, locavore, yuppie, globalist fusion restaurant caused…
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Five Tips for Avoiding Existential Dread in College
By Nik Varley Aug. 10, 2016 Congratulations, your childhood is over! Your carefree days of youth and innocence are now gone forever, and you’ve taken your first step into the festering quagmire of…
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Five Questions I Would Ask My Doctor If He Were Still Answering My Emails
By Morgan Pantuck June 29, 2016 1. Do I have 1. Do I have restless leg syndrome? My leg wiggles a lot. Well, not a ton, but more than usual. I’d say a…
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Retired Kentucky Derby Runner-Ups: Where are they now?
By Adam Lowinger May 13, 2016 Bluegrass cat (2006) – Fallen out of use and relevance in recent years. An appointment scheduled for Glue factory. Hard Spun (2007) – Used his fame and…
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Student Wondering How They Can Unsubscribe from “Sad News” Listhost
By Walker King April 27, 2016 After receiving the fourth email this quarter with the subject line “Sad News,” second year Michelle Kang wondered aloud how she might go about unsubscribing from that…
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Second Year Confused Why People Different from Him Don’t Feel the Bern
By Mary Vansuch March 3, 2016 Danny McDonald, areaa University of Chicago second– year undergraduate reported to be of “the whitest, upper class fashion”, was left fundamentally confused on Super Tuesday as to why…
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Tumblr About to Get Really into Alchemy
By Teddy Zamborsky Feb. 18, 2016 Sources close to tThe Dealer confirmed today that several prominent Tumblr users plan t to spend the better part of 2016 really getting into alchemy. The curator…
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Nobel Laureate Robert J. Zimmer, 1947-2056
By Willamina Groething, 2056 Jan. 24, 2016 Robert Jeffrey Zimmer, age 108, beloved husband of Shadi Bartsch, of Chicago, IL, died at home Tuesday September 26, 2056. The Nobel Peace Laureate was the…
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Electricity is Just a Fad, Horses are Forever
By Ashwin Rao, 1879 Jan. 22, 2016 Harken! Relieve your ears of the falsehood of the young rapscallions, Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Edison and other conjurers of electric spirits. Do not yield to…
