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Student Throws Pepper Shaker onto Balcony, Escapes Samsara
By Isaac Krone April 20, 2014 Bartlett Dining Commons was the site of a strange occurrence last Tuesday, when third-year Bret Stevenson escaped samsara during the crowded dinner rush. Bret was reportedly engaged…
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HVZ-Related Injuries at Record High After New Rule Allows Melee Weapons
By Adam Lowinger Nov. 2, 2018 Following a new rule permitting the use of melee weapons, a recent report has shown a rise in injuries among Humans Versus Zombies players. Humans Vs Zombies (HVZ)…
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119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol
By Dan Lastres Jan. 17, 2017 Ø Ø The freshly-inaugurated 119th Congress kicked off a historic session by rewriting the senate’s rules and regulations, requiring members to conduct all official business…
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How Subtly Do You Flirt with Your TA?
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 9, 2015 1. You run into your TA in Ex Libris. You: a. Wave at them from the coffee line b. Make small talk about class c. Tell them…
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Oriental Institute embraces post-colonial terminology; to be Renamed “Institute of Exotic Studies”
By Ayesha Wadhawan Dec. 24, 2013 As part of a comprehensive program of modernization, the University of Chicago’s Oriental Institute has adopted a title more suited to the post-modern era: “The University of…
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Student Government: U-PASS to Be Replaced by U-BER
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Starting in the 2018-2019 school year, students in the College will have the option of choosing an alternative to the U-PASS: the U-BER. This new program…
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Kid Behind Me Won’t Stop Answering Rhetorical Questions in Class
By Jacob Johnson Nov. 8, 2016 “Why would anyone, for any reason, answer a rhetorical question? If you answered that question in your head just now, fuck you- you’re part of the problem.”…
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Words With the Highest Social Capital
By Mary Vansuch July 28, 2015 Dinner party swag Yaaaaaaaasssssss (careful on spelling; this can dramatically change the value) Authentically Crafted Peoples of Smashing Freely Traded and Organically Grown Swagger Calumet Fisheries Children,…
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Future Pixar Movies that Relate to College
By Hannah Gitlin Aug. 2, 2013 If you’re looking for a good family movie that presents the trials of college and young adulthood in a realistic, relatable way, you’ve probably already laughed with…
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Lil Uzi Vert Wins Winter Olympic Gold in Men’s Freestyle
By By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 In an upset victory sure to define American sports for years to come, Lil Uzi Vert has officially won the Olympic gold medal in Men’s Freestyle…
