By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 5900 B.C.E. Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to…

By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 Unspeakably miserable Mexican painter Frida Kahlo flashed a rare smile yesterday after her husband, muralist Diego Rivera, tripped over a bucket of turpentine and ripped his pants.…

By Ella Hester May 16, 2017 Second-year in the college Kate Todd recently told the Dealer that she truly believes that her grandma wears an approximately 2×2” pin that features the text “Proud…

By Jimmy Wustler Feb. 22, 2016 In a Shady Dealer exclusive, tThe University of Chicago has announced that the new Campus North Residential Hall will be named the Donald J. Trump Residential Hall.…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus,…

By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 For years, people have doubted me when I told themBarack Obama’s shocking secret: he is the Antichrist described in the Book of Revelations, a King of ancient…

By Nik Varley March 2, 2017 On February 24th, the Trump administration denied The New York Times, CNN, Politico and other major news outlets access to a major White House press briefing. We…

By Sam Zoeller Jan. 4, 2016 Montclair, New Jersey – Amelia Peterson, a first year at The College, has received several stern looks from high school acquaintances after following random groups of girls…

By Zach Augustine April 20, 2014 1. When Craig threw that Frisbee into oncoming traffic on the Midway. Hilarious! 2. Who could forget the infamous guacamole incident last winter at Jimmy’s? Craig seemed…

By The IOP Oct. 31, 2018   Hey you scum-sucking freedom-slut, I heard you hadn’t voted yet. Have you heard the news? This is AMERICA. People died and shit so you could take…