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Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment Buzzer
By Morgan Pantuck May 8, 2017 Reckless Partygoer Blindly Presses Apartment BuzzerBy Morgan Pantuck Onlookers were shocked earlier this weekend when local partygoer Josh Casey pressed an apartment buzzer and allowed several unknown…
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Prospie Makes Friends for Life
By Chase Harrison April 17, 2017 Returning from an eventful prospie weekend, incoming first year Maximilian Rothman of Downer’s Grove, Illinois could not stop gushing to his parents about all of the new…
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Traffic on the Quad Grinds to a Halt as Two Students Fail to Walk Past Each Other
By Jacob Johnson March 22, 2017 Wednesday, April 10At approximately 12:47 pm this Wednesday afternoon, local UChicago first-years Timothy Burnside and Felix Gardner became locked in a stunning display of over-politeness mixed with…
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Chicago Scientists Discover that the First Eukaryotic Cell was a Giant Asshole
By Marlin Figgins, Primordial Soup, 1.5 Billion Years Ago Feb. 6, 2017 In a new groundbreaking new study, microbiologists have been able to finally decipher cellular signals used by early prokaryotes. To the…
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Tips for Giving Blowjobs with Wooden Teeth
By George Washington, 1789 Feb. 2, 2017 This article is for all the sexy women (and men!) out there with a little wood in their teeth that don’t wanna let that get in…
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Ø 119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol
By Jack U. Leighton Jan. 17, 2017 Ø 119th Congress to conduct all business via 4chan.org/pol Ø The freshly-inaugurated 119th Congress kicked off a historic session by rewriting the senate’s rules…
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Provost’s Typo Blamed for Epidemic of Open Intercourse All over Campus
By Dan Lastres Dec. 22, 2016 p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px ‘Trebuchet MS’; -webkit-text-stroke: #000000; min-height: 14.0px} span.s1…
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Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Gouges Chapstick with Chapstick Cap
By Willamina Groething Nov. 15, 2016 Sources confirmed Saturday evening that area woman Megan McMahon drove the cap of her Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean Moisturizing Lip Balm into the vanilla bean moisturizing lip…
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My Little Pony Could Beat Up Your Little Pony
By Marlin Figgins Nov. 12, 2016 Yeah I said it. My Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine can kick any pony’s ass, even your little pony. Rainbow Sparkle Sunshine is a can full of sunshine… and…
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Op-Ed: We Need to Put a Woman on the Maroon Dollar
By Katie Zellner Oct. 14, 2016 It is high time that the University of Chicago features a woman on the front of the Maroon Dollar. The University of Chicago has been a premier…
