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I Don’t Believe in Gay Marriage
By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2014 Look, I know this isn’t the “politically correct” thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest. I don’t believe in gay…
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Trump Summons Backup Collection of Balding White Men from White House Storage Cabinet After Sessions Resignation
By Kelly Tsing Sum Lo Nov. 7, 2018 Former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, a man described by friends as “the world’s least magical elf”, resigned earlier today in a move that marks…
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Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely Fun
By Ryan Fleishman Jan. 28, 2017 Eighth-Grade Sean Spicer Announces House Party Totally Full, Extremely FunIn a press conference streamed to YouTube last Saturday from his parents’ basement, eighth-grader Sean Spicer announced that…
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Corrupted Article- Do not publish.
By Error Nov. 11, 2015 TTFun fact – this phenomenon is also known as Poseidon’s Kiss! Remember that this happened to gods too. Archeological studies have have havfound that most of the output…
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Joan of Arc Burned at Steak and Shake
By Evan Bernstein (1431) Jan. 24, 2014 And so it was that yesterday, the 30th of May, in the year of our Lord 1431, that the girl Joan of Arc was burned at…
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Op-Ed: Bill Gates, Support Journalism On-Campus by Setting Up a Trust Fund For Us
By Ella Hester May 25, 2018 Dear Bill Gates, Thank you so much for buying property near our storied university. We have no clues as to your motivations, so we’re hoping you just…
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Am I Happy in this Relationship or Am I Just Passing Math?
By Baunnee Martinez Nov. 12, 2016 The soft, silky sheet. The streaks of gray that flutter across the page. The brush of the red pen on the the top corner of the calculus…
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How to Smoke a Cigarette
By Vivienne Foumeau, Paris Correspondent Aug. 1, 2015 Make sure you are visibly positioned among your group friends as you loiter, perhaps on a street corner or in a public park. With a…
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I Can’t Wait To Slaughter The Wellapalooza Puppies For Their Tender Meat
By Lindsey Greeson, Health Educator Oct. 17, 2013 It’s my favorite time of year again: Wellness Week. I’m pumped to go about my day today with just a little more pep. I’ll do…
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My Opinion is Valid Because I Use Hyperlinks
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 20, 2018 A Classic Hyperlink There’s something important going on in America, and we need to discuss it. I have strong opinions about this thing, as you can see…
