By Concerned Reader Oct. 18, 2017 I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago, is naked under his clothes. Let…

By Jacob Johnson May 14, 2016 After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was…

By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 5900 B.C.E. Sources confirmed Monday that Craig Mueller of Dærie, Northern Albijnea, drank the milk of his cow Buttercup early last week. Local authorities were alerted to…

By Maya Handa Feb. 4, 2013 Unspeakably miserable Mexican painter Frida Kahlo flashed a rare smile yesterday after her husband, muralist Diego Rivera, tripped over a bucket of turpentine and ripped his pants.…

By Ella Hester May 16, 2017 Second-year in the college Kate Todd recently told the Dealer that she truly believes that her grandma wears an approximately 2×2” pin that features the text “Proud…

By Jimmy Wustler Feb. 22, 2016 In a Shady Dealer exclusive, tThe University of Chicago has announced that the new Campus North Residential Hall will be named the Donald J. Trump Residential Hall.…

By Isaac Krone Nov. 16, 2014 Lampshade, red with lace edges, purchased last February to replace the one that Andre punched in half when he drank too much tequila. I’m a simple apparatus,…

By Walker King Oct. 21, 2012 For years, people have doubted me when I told themBarack Obama’s shocking secret: he is the Antichrist described in the Book of Revelations, a King of ancient…

By Nik Varley March 2, 2017 On February 24th, the Trump administration denied The New York Times, CNN, Politico and other major news outlets access to a major White House press briefing. We…

By Sam Zoeller Jan. 4, 2016 Montclair, New Jersey – Amelia Peterson, a first year at The College, has received several stern looks from high school acquaintances after following random groups of girls…