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Blackouts End as Gentrification Begins
By Grace Quigley Nov. 2, 2015 DETROIT– Economists and demographers have noted a distinct negative correlation between blackouts and gentrification in certain neighborhoods here following the Great Recession of 2008. .In the turmoil…
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New Evidence Suggests Odyssey May Not Be Historically Accurate
By Noah Lemelson Dec. 24, 2013 Yesterday, a report from the University of Chicago Institute for the Study of Ancient Greco-Roman History claimed to have found textual inconsistencies in Homer’s telling of The…
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LEAKED: Valerie Jarrett’s Class Day Speech
By None May 25, 2018 I can almost see itThat dream I’m dreaming butThere’s a voice inside my head sayingYou’ll never reach it,Every step I’m taking,Every move I make feelsLost with no…
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Linguists Plead for Desexualization of “Girth”
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 8, 2016 Nearly 100 members of the Linguistic Society of America signed an open letter to the public this weekend detailing “the necessity of desexualizing the word ‘girth,’” the…
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Will You be a That Kid, or are You Already a That Kid?
By Nico Aldape July 26, 2015 1. To what degree do you think you know everything? a. This quiz looks pretty hard. b. I’m average, I guess c. I feel reasonably confident in…
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I Wanted to Have an O-mance with Her, but Her Internship Prospects Just weren’t good enough
By Mark Sands Aug. 2, 2013 There’s a cute girl in my advising group. I get that she’s attractive, but she has no future. She said she wants a Ph.D. in Sociology. If…
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Alt-Right Twitter Demands New Oscars Categories for Best Crisis Actor/Actress in a Leading Role
By Thomas Noriega Feb. 19, 2018 As the greatest actors and actresses in the world are honored tonight for their hard work on screen, the right wing of the Twittersphere has been crying out…
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People In Lounge Going to Pretend Kid Didn’t Just Fart
By Jacob Levin May 14, 2016 According to sources close to the Shady Dealer, people of the Vincent House lounge silently and unanimously voted to say nothing about the massive fart unleashed by…
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Crusaders Crucify Downside Old Gregorians
By Willamina Groething Feb. 1, 2015 WESTMALLE 8th of November in the Year of our Lord 1512 In what was termed a “demoralizing defeat,” the Belgian La-Cross team from the Abdij van Onze-Lieve-Vrouw…
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Tweets from Holy Week
By Jesus Feb. 4, 2013 Jesus Christ @Jesus Just drinkin sum wyne wif mah crew. We rollin 13 deep #YOLO #getschwasted @God Judas @Judas Things were a bit awkward at dinner; hope Jesus…
