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God to Take Matters into Own Hands
By Daniel Moattar Feb. 24, 2014 Citing “grave misconduct,” “lack of accountability,” and “continually declining standards,” area deity God has committed to restoring direct oversight of Earth and surrounding areas beginning in fiscal…
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First Impressions: Writing a Bomb AF SOSC Essay
By Ella Hester Sept. 24, 2018 Look at you, in your little first year boots, squealing in terror about the impression you’ll make with your first SOSC essay. Have no fear, baby…
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Bruce Wayne’s Wife Annoyed All Bruce Does Is Put “Bat” Before Existing Sex Position
By Nico Aldape Nov. 25, 2016 When he’s not fighting crime in Gotham City, Batman (known asby Bruce Wayne to the publicas a private citizen), loves to be with his wife in Wayne…
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Practical Guide to Being a Fuckboy
By Juan Caicedo Oct. 16, 2015 Perhaps you first heard about fuckboys from a parent, coach, or pastor. You may have seen one passing by in the hallway, one hand secure on a…
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First Snow is a Credit Whore
By Second Snow Nov. 9, 2013 Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the…
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UChicago Stoners Celebrate 4/20 Like It’s Any Other Day
By Brian Baek April 20, 2018 April 20th has represented an opportunity for potheads from all generations, races, creeds, and backgrounds to come together and celebrate God’s greatest gift to mankind. For many…
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First Years to Skip One Year of Human Interaction with AP Credit
By Baunnee Martinez Oct. 12, 2016 After pressure from the student body for more credit from their AP examinations, the College is now offering Class of 2020 students with 5’s on certain tests…
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Hookup Culture Doesn’t Exist
By Nico Aldape May 26, 2015 I keep hearing about this “hookup culture” supposedly present on campus and people complaining about being “sexiled,” but I’m honestly not convinced. No one’s been brought home…
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The Chicago Shady Dealer endorses Slate Slate
By Editorial Board April 23, 2013 The University of Chicago has a rocky road ahead. Recently, our school has been rocked by a number of scandals, and we can’t afford to remain sedimentary…
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Researchers Discover Dog Dreams Exactly The Same As Dog Reality
By Greer Baxter Aug. 18, 2017 In partnership with the University of Nome, scientists from UofChicago have recently concluded a series of canine sleep experiments, the results of which confirmed what many had…
