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Man Called “Big Dave” Confirmed To Be Big
By Ryan Fleishman April 22, 2016 After an exhaustive search into the various quantitative measurements of local resident David “Big Dave” Smith, scientists from the University of Chicago have announced Tuesday they have…
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Second Year Astoundingly Close to Developing Most Fuckable Personality on Campus
By Dan Lastres Nov. 17, 2014 Second-year Janotta House resident Devlin Ryder has successfully acquired the most fuckable personality at the University of Chicago. After spending all summer learning to hand-roll sushi and…
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Romney/Ryan Fan-Fiction Hard for Campaign to Swallow
By Maya Handa Oct. 30, 2012 Presidential candidate Willard Mitt Romney and running mate Paul Something Folksy Ryan announced yesterday in a consensual press conference that they were deeply disturbed to have discovered…
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Study from Center for Practical Wisdom Asserts, “This Was a Complete Waste of Money”
By Dan Lastres March 25, 2017 AA report published by the University of Chicago’s Center for Ppractical Wwisdom declares that the Center for Practical Wisdom is “a complete waste of money.” After considering…
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Thank God I’m Covered in Leeches
By Ryan Fleishman, 1318 Jan. 22, 2016 Lately, I haven’t been feeling so great. My knees hurt a bit, I have a bruise on my arm, and I coughed a couple times yesterday.…
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Zimmer Attacked by Mountain Lion
By Alex Dunlap May 13, 2014 Robert J. Zimmer was seriously injured last week after a run-in with a mountain lion outside his University Avenue home. According to reports, President Zimmer was fumbling…
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Prospective Student Taken Hostage by Cadre of Hyde Park Squirrels
By Troy Sharp Nov. 2, 2018 A spokesperson for the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) announced that California Bay Area Resident Ben Miller was taken captive by a scurry of squirrels…
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Kuvia: A Review
By Jack Toole Jan. 17, 2017 Although I have nothing but admiration for my Paleolithic forebears, I have no desire to share in their ways. Rising early to hunt mammoths, fight cave bears,…
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Dean Boyer Banned from Club Penguin
By Reed Thurston Nov. 11, 2015 Following a string of reports from students and other University of Chicago community members claiming to have witnessed the event firsthand, college the Dean of the College,…
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President Skintaker-9000 promises an era of lower taxes, welfare reform and less skin.
By Noah Lemelson (year 2116) Jan. 22, 2014 Following a landslide re-election victory over opponent Xylox Phnltük, President Skintaker-9000 took to the podium this week for his second inaugural address. “When I first…
