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Zimmer Reaches Into Student’s Rib Cage, Pulls Out Heart
By Daniel Moattar Oct. 26, 2014 University President Robert Zimmer was sighted Thursday indulging in an unusual snack – for the fifth time in recent memory. According to eyewitnesses, President Zimmer once again…
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Days Before Christmas, Santa Claus Forced to Halt Gift Production Due to Government Shutdown
By Delilah Stellavic Dec. 23, 2018 When President Trump vetoed the Congressional budget plan that would have kept the federal government functioning through the end of 2018, he ensured the temporary closure of…
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Lil Uzi Vert Receives Tearful Standing Ovation Following His Final Performance at Chicago’s Lyric Opera House
By Nik Varley, Chicago 2019 Feb. 7, 2017 Chicago, IL, 2019 – Philadelphia rapper Lil Uzi Vert reportedly received a standing ovation from a tearful crowd following his sold– out performance at Chicago’s…
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New Year, Same You
By Nik Varley Dec. 31, 2015 Millions of people celebrated the coming of the New Year across this world this past January, and while many of them made resolutions and set goals of…
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Kathleen Sebelius to Teach Problems in Public Policy Implementation
By Timi Koyejo April 20, 2014 The University of Chicago Department of Public Policy has announced that Kathleen Sebelius, in her first move since resigning as U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services,…
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Admin Accuses GSU of Taking Free Speech Too Far
By Breck Radulovic and Dan Lastres Oct. 20, 2017 After years of successfully stymying grad students’ efforts to unionize, the administration was dealt a shocking defeat. Graduate students at the University of…
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Bookstore Adds Hard Liquor to School Supply Section
By Oliva Reeves Nov. 2, 2018 Following numerous requests from students doing last-minute back-to-school shopping, the UChicago Bookstore announced this week that it will add a selection of liquor to its already-expansive merchandise collection. …
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Rat Poison: Not Just for Cutting Cocaine!
By Native Advertising Jan. 17, 2017 Seth Blattstein, a spokesman for SteptON, the world’s leading manufacturer of rat poison, has announced this Friday that, while he is aware that the main use of…
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Point/Counterpoint: Sports are Obnoxious
By Nico Aldape Nov. 11, 2015 I quite honestly think sports culture is obnoxious. Major sports just capitalize on hyper-masculinity (except basketball and soccer, which capitalize on flopping and pretending to be injured).…
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An Arbitrary And Meaningless Ranking Of Colleges
By Dan Brier Dec. 29, 2013 10. Dennis’s Friendly College 9. Yale University 8. Harvey Mudd College 7. The Sparxxx School at Cowhands’ Pass 6. University of Chicago 5. Oklahoma State University School…
