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I Ate Mascara For Six Days and It Made Me Very Sick
By Morgan Pantuck April 23, 2015 I’ll be honest—I’ve never really been a “girly girl.” When other teens were figuring out high heels and accessories, I was belching loudly and watching NASCAR. Actually,…
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UChicago Admissions Rate ‘0%’
By Jeremy Archer April 25, 2013 Citing “new perspectives” in education and a desire to overtake Yale in national college rankings, the University Press Office announced today a new initiative entitled “Discard Undergraduates…
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Lanyard Fuses into First-Year’s Neck
By Chase Harrison Oct. 17, 2017 He is hard to miss on the quad. Goofy smile. Gigantic backpack. And a maroon lanyard with an attached plastic ID case bouncing off of his chest.…
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Murdered Statistician Found Normally Distributed
By Nico Aldape May 13, 2016 In a recent study published by multiple members of the University of Chicago Department of Statistics, recently murdered deceased statistics professor Angelino Drinkwater has been found uniformlynormally…
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After Brief Contemplation, God Decides He’s on Board with Genocide
By Isaac Krone Dec. 31, 2014 After decades of inequality and economic tension ignited a brutal ethnic conflict in the Middle East earlier this week, God, the all-loving, all-powerful creator of the universe…
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“Fiscal” Cliff Threatens to Drive Economy into Recession
By Daniel Moattar Jan. 3, 2013 As the year-end deadline approaches, public ire and political acrimony over the United States’ “Fiscal Cliff” have approached a breaking point. “Leave me alone, you assholes,” said…
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Four Times the Simpsons Predicted My Uncle Frank’s Next Bout with Bloody Stools
By David North April 21, 2017 4 Times the Simpsons Predicted My Uncle Frank’s next Bout with Bloody StoolsIf there are two things I know about my Uncle Frank, it’s that he loves…
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Quantum Football Physics Rocked by Discovery of New Kind of Bowl
By Nik Varley Feb. 8, 2016 Researchers at CERN were thrilled to announce this morning that they have confirmed the existence of an entirely new bowl. The discovery was made using CERN’s Large…
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Look: Chris Christie Flashes Major Side Boob!
By Annabelle Newport Oct. 23, 2014 Chris Christie is living on the edge. The presidential hopeful and second-term Governor of New Jersey paraded into the office this morning flaunting some major side boob…
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I Look Bad in My Family’s Holiday Card and Other Shit I Hate About Winter
By Audrey Fromson Dec. 5, 2018 Apple’s portrait mode has made my mom into a monster. When my sisters and I are together, she whips out her phone and proceeds to take photos…
