Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo

March 16, 1864

SPOTSYLVANIA—President Abraham Lincoln traveled to Virginia today to help muster the troops at the front of this harrowing war. And boy did he!

“Gentlemen, I know you do not wish to hear me speak,” Lincoln began.  “You need my support, but I cannot give it with words. Your efforts transcend words. And thus, I have brought something else here, to reinvigorate this battleground.” 

He then removed his signature tophat. The soldiers were surprised, to be sure, when lo! Resting atop his head was a single, perfectly balanced kazoo! Deftly taking the kazoo in hand, he then replaced the hat  and launched into a moving piece, one never before heard by mortal ears, and one that shall surely never be heard again. 

This reporter cannot describe it, truly. It was the first enticing scent of snake oil, it was the sight of dawn over Maryland, it was the feel of a Union uniform under your calloused fingers! But most of all, it was the sound of the kazoo. Magnificent.