White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit

You heard it here first, folks! Vice President JD Vance did not in fact kill the Pope, but the White House is having a hard time getting this point across. Hillbilly Elegy author and alleged Catholic JD Vance visited the Pope not even a day before he passed, sparking rumors that the cause of death was Vance himself. 

In response to the rumors, President Donald Trump tweeted: “Vance is FINE! We threw some Trump Holy Water™ on him. Trump Holy Water™ is on sale now! 10% off with a special code TRUMP-POPE! Also, vote TRUMP for Pope! MAKE CATHOLICISM GREAT AGAIN!” 

At a “brutal” press conference to address the issue, Vice President Vance appeared to become emotional as he defended himself. “No, that’s not how it went!” Vance, on the verge of tears, pleaded to the public. “The Pope was very sick!” 

Vance was later found muttering to himself in an empty confessional: “He was very sick, it is not your fault, you did not do it, you are a great, upstanding Catholic, you are innocent. You are still welcome in the Vatican. You will not be Trump’s running mate for Vice Pope because that will look bad.” This reporter nervously backed out of the cathedral upon hearing these remarks.

The Dealer also reached out to Satan for comment. 

“Oh, yeah, no. I didn’t have anything to do with that. Cool coincidence though.” The Devil, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Belial, the Adversary, the Dragon, the Father of Lies, the Tempter, the Accuser, Abaddon stated. 

Meanwhile, at the University of Chicago, all Religion: Cosmos, Conscience, and Community III classes are using this story—and Vance’s general reaction to it—as a case study on Catholic guilt. 

The Vatican announced that Vance is banned from the country pending investigation.