Scientists Admit Smoking Not Actually Bad for You: “We Just Wanted Attention”
CDC—The nation’s scientists made a shocking revelation on Wednesday when they admitted that smoking tobacco has no negative health consequences whatsoever. They had only suggested otherwise because they “just wanted attention.”
“The truth is, it’s totally fine to smoke a cigarette,” the scientists said in a joint statement. “Hell, it’s fine to smoke a whole pack of cigarettes, every day. Two packs, even. It’s fine to do that, and you’ll be fine if you do it, it’s fine.”
The group explained that contrary to claims that tobacco smoke is harmful to the lungs and circulatory system, its effects are, in fact, entirely benign. “The lungs actually really like tobacco smoke, in a certain way,” they wrote. “The smoke just kind of sits there, and ‘tickles’ the lungs, in a manner of speaking. Sometimes the lungs just need a cigarette or two to chill out a bit, and chilling out is the most important part of healthy living. No one ever got cancer from chilling out.
“It’s painful to admit, but the fact is, we always knew there was no evidence that smoking was bad for you. We made it up whole cloth, because we wanted to feel important, and to have people tell us how important we were, and how smart we were at science.”
The group further explained that there had been very little for scientists to do following the invention of Silly Putty in 1943, and that a variety of schemes were hatched in the following decades in order to increase their relevance, including not only the smoking hoax but also falsely smearing nuclear radiation as hazardous, fraudulently theorizing the existence of quarks, and dinosaurs.
“We’re so lonely and sad,” they wrote.
“Frankly, this has been a long time coming,” said Lou Morrison, a 63-year-old smoker from Dubuque, Iowa. “I’ve been saying for years how smoking’s not actually bad for you. Matter of fact, I think it’s good for you. I smoke every day and I’m the strongest boy you’ll ever see.” Morrison went on to vindicate this claim by lifting a table that two large men were sitting on.
Griffin is the deputy managing editor for this paper, and was born early in the morning.
