People Names Luigi Mangione Sexiest Assassin of the Year
In a special edition issue of People, the editors named Luigi Mangione—graduate of the University of Pennsylvania and avid hiker—the sexiest assassin of the year. Mangione’s wide margin in the vote supplanted John Wilkes Booth in 1865 as the greatest landslide in People’s decision-making history.
Mangione accepted the award in the Metropolitan Detention Center, where he is currently being held. Police handed him the magazine, which he expressed disappointment upon receiving, as he had been hoping it would be something more intellectual, such as cheap pornography.
University of Alabama Professor of Sexiness Studies Jenna Hottz concurred with the committee’s decision: “Luigi is on the Mount Rushmore of hotness for murderers, if I may say so myself. Luigi, if you’re listening, I live in Pennsylvania and I would like to **** ****** *********.”
*Editor’s note: Professor Hottz’s interview was cut short as her rant turned explicit.
Mangione’s acceptance speech was short. He first proclaimed that he “did not pretend to be the most qualified person to assess the criteria for this award.” However, keeping in line with his previous actions, he still planned on murdering the entirety of the editorial board. We at the Dealer have neither the space nor the energy to include the rest of his speech. It is worth noting that he called his speech a “manifesto.”
The Nights of the Squaretable, the board responsible for the voting process, have been handing out this prestigious honor for decades. Previous winners include Ted Bundy, who the editors praised for his “charm and charisma. He almost made us forget he killed all those people.”
They also bestowed the title on O.J. Simpson in 1996, despite his acquittal for murder the previous year, saying, “Did you see the trial? He did it.”
We reached out to the University of Chicago registrar to inquire about any professors that might be of use for this piece. Apparently, “sexiness is not a trait we value at this university.”
Chase Teichholz
Chase Teichholz is a dim-witted zounderkite. He is pompous enough to research Victorian insults to describe himself, and also, in making it about himself, is a selfish prick. Does Chase have anything positive to say about himself? I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Though, given I am Chase, probably not. Where's the fun in that? A potential historical comparison to Chase might be Hannibal Hamlin, save for Mr. Hamlin's exceedingly good looks.
