UChicago Med Vows to Speed Up Cancer Growth Unless $100 Million Is Donated to Free Speech

In a move straight out of a dystopian movie, UChicago Medicine has unveiled a controversial new fundraising strategy: speeding up cancer growth in patients until a donor ponies up $100 million to reinvest in the University’s “Free Speech” program.

“We’re committed to two things: groundbreaking research and the unfiltered exchange of ideas,” said a spokesperson for the hospital, carefully dodging questions about ethics. “Sometimes, those ideas include… unconventional incentives.”

Patients and their families are understandably concerned. “One minute, they were talking about treatment breakthroughs, and the next, they handed me a pamphlet titled The Price of Free Speech: Your Tumor’s Role. What is this, a Twilight Zone episode?” asked one baffled patient.

Critics accuse UChicago of weaponizing its medical prowess, though insiders claim the strategy has been “shockingly effective.” Reports suggest that a mysterious donor—rumored to be a tech billionaire with a vendetta against cancel culture—has already pledged half the goal.

When pressed for comment, the Free Speech program’s director offered a cryptic defense. “Cancer grows, just like ideas. It’s a metaphor. Or maybe it’s not. You decide—that’s free speech in action.”

Students, meanwhile, are demanding transparency. “First, I have to take a Biology class, and now this?” said one third-year student. “Honestly, I just want to graduate before they start auctioning off my vital organs for the humanities department.”