BREAKING: Jill Stein Wins

In a startling upset, The Chicago Shady Dealer has called the 2024 Presidential Election for Green Party candidate Jill Stein. Defying the predictions of almost every pollster, Stein won over 74% of the popular vote. Notably, she has not win a single swing state – although Pennsylvania is still being counted – but she did win the other 43 states and the District of Columbia to earn 445 electoral votes, well over the 270 vote threshold.

In light of this shocking victory, the Dealer interviewed two Stein voters on the UChicago campus to ask about their decisions.

“Well, I just wasn’t really satisfied with either candidate,” said Charles Chardles, a third-year biz-econ major. “I like most of Trump’s policies, but he’s said that he likes the uneducated, and I’m obviously very educated, so I just don’t think he represents me.”

Some speculated that Americans supported the now president-elect due to theories that the Green Party stood for making more money. “Money is green and Jill Stein is the Green Party,” said an anonymous student, also a biz-econ major.

Former President Donald Trump, the Republican nominee, gave a concession speech Tuesday evening after it had become clear that Stein’s lead was insurmountable. “Wow, what a crowd,” Trump said. “What a big crowd. We have the biggest crowds, folks, but you know, Jill Stein, they say she won very bigly. ‘Jail’ Stein, they called her. Very bad Democrats, the radical left, calling her ‘Jail’ Stein. The election, they’re saying she stole the election, they may be right but it’s okay. It’s okay. She’ll be good for us. Crazy Kamala wanted to take our cows, folks, she said no more cows. Jill loves the cows, she loves the chickens, she loves the horses. The dogs and cats. The fish. The lions, the tigers, and the bears. The zebras – is the zebra black or white? Nobody knows. People come up to me, they tell me, ‘Donald, Mr. President, the zebras are  white, absolutely.’ But I don’t know.”

At this point in the speech, Mr. Trump began to do an impression of Hannibal Lecter before trailing off.

President Biden also delivered a statement following Stein’s victory: “It’s so inspiring that the American people finally have a woman in office. This office, you know, uh… it’s oval. The Oval Office, folks, that’s where I am! A vote for president, uh… you gotta understand. Here’s the deal: and another thing. Donald Trump wants to take away my vote, he wants your vote, he wants to vote in [unintelligible mumbling]. And that’s the deal, folks. I’m not joking. I’m being serious, folks.”