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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship

    Justin Bilenker / June 9, 2025

    "Our argument was full of gotchas and strawmen and random factoids that could plausibly be traced to some website or social media post we looked at. There were no contentions, structure, rebuttals, or…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding

    Natalie Floreancig / June 8, 2025

    Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

    Jacob Halabe and 1 more / June 7, 2025

    #2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist

    Pauline Singer / June 6, 2025

    The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!” 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor

    Pauline Singer / June 3, 2025

    The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense

    Daniel Sipes / May 28, 2025

    If you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Non-political Maroon Article Gets View

    Justin Bilenker / May 27, 2025

    “We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.”

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students

    Michael Wagner / May 21, 2025

    The recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

    Maisie Thompson / May 19, 2025

    The message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Rockefeller Chapel to Get Sleek, Cool Upgrade Once They Figure Out Who Put That Scaffolding Up There.

    Pauline Singer / May 14, 2025

    University leadership admitted in a press conference Tuesday that the scaffolding was not actually theirs. When asked how this could have happened, University President Paul Alivisatos dabbed his forehead with a gold monogrammed…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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