- 			UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality CrystalsWhen asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!” 
- 			Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship"Our argument was full of gotchas and strawmen and random factoids that could plausibly be traced to some website or social media post we looked at. There were no contentions, structure, rebuttals, or… 
- 			Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital HandholdingThroughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech… 
- 			Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks#2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are. 
- 			New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You FascistThe Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!” 
- 			Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your InstructorThe soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where… 
- 			[Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan SenseIf you ask me, if we were characters in Leo Tolstoy’s 1878 classic novel Anna Karenina, all of those guys in the other frats would 100% be Alexei Vronsky. 
- 			Non-political Maroon Article Gets View“We are asking around to make sure the click didn’t come from one of our staff, and so far, it hasn’t.” 
- 			UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International StudentsThe recommendation, published in a 300-page working paper entitled “Invisible Hands, Visible Fees,” outlines a dynamic pricing model in which students from abroad would pay additional “access tariffs” to enroll in classes, attend… 
- 			Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wellsThe message included a coded map to the location of the spare key to the administration building—guided by a limerick written by Former Dean John Boyer—and the fact that UChicago blue lights are… 
 
			 
				 
				 
				 
				 
				 
				 
				 
				 
				