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UChicago Accidentally Sugars Campus Sidewalks Instead of Salting Them
When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…
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Freshman Discovers New Theorem Explaining Why You Always See Your Opps in A-Level
There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…
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UChicago Launches Puppy Killing Prevention Institute, Funded by John D. PuppyKiller
“While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.”
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Breaking News: North Resident Transferred to I-House
After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.
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“Who is Dean Boyer?” asks confused First Year
“I just saw a Sidechat post about a bicycle. Who is Dean Boyer? Is he like a student or something?”
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“A Confusing Day for the Truth” – Shady Dealer Bid to Purchase The Thinker Put on Hold
Previously, the Dealer, the only source of legitimate news in this hemisphere, had been declared the winner of an Eka House-sponsored auction to acquire the Thinker, its erstwhile competitor, beating out shadowy shell…
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Two-Factor Authentication Taking Too Long? Here Are Some Alternatives
Is all this security really necessary? For your convenience and my sanity, we propose some reasonable alternatives to DUO two-factor authentication.
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Student Tour Guide Fired for Just Making Shit Up About Gargoyles
In an exclusive interview, Myers told The Dealer, “I got tired of walking backwards, wildly gesticulating, explaining that I personally picked this school because my dad went here, and telling prospective students that…
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UChicago Med Vows to Speed Up Cancer Growth Unless $100 Million Is Donated to Free Speech
When pressed for comment, the Free Speech program's director offered a cryptic defense. "Cancer grows, just like ideas. It’s a metaphor. Or maybe it’s not. You decide—that's free speech in action.”
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UChicago Establishes Center for the Investigation of the Pursuit of Knowledge, Happiness and Success
Using empirical methods and qualitative analysis inspired by the teachings of Aristotle, a team of researchers will determine the best, most virtuous way to live.