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First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
Since receiving the reprimand, Hawkins has found himself agonizing over how sad he even was in the first place. “I mean, it makes sense that I would miss my family, but only on…
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University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
In order to accommodate the influx of Seans, house leaders have begun using strangely specific nicknames. Sean “Receding Hairline” Q commented, “The nicknames are not accurate or helpful. I’m clearly the best Sean…
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12 Days of UChicago Finals
On the twelfth day of finals, my college gave to me:
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10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
It’s officially cuffing season! But as we know at the University of Chicago, some things are better in theory than in practice, and it’s hard to maintain a loving relationship when you have…
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Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg
“Say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer, and hello to Adder-fall! Autumn up your undiagnosed anxiety disorder with new Pumpkin Spice Adderall®, available from your local dealer today! (While supplies last. Do not consume…
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President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
After the University of Chicago rose to sixth place in the US News & World Report’s college rankings, newly re-elected President Paul Alivisatos was found at Phi Gamma Delta’s house Thursday morning passed…
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Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
Orientation Week (O-Week) has come and gone, not unlike a high school boyfriend, and has prompted, much like a high school boyfriend, an extraordinary level of fatherly sulking.
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Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful…
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House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
“Please join!” the House Council President begged on his knees at the mandatory house meeting, as students shifted uneasily while waiting to be let out. First-years report door-knocking at midnight, creepy voices whispering…
