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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    Student From California Confused by Cold Weather, Assumes Snow Is Ash from Nearby Wildfire

    Audrey Smith / April 1, 2025

    The only season she had previously been familiar with was Fire Season, though she contested that it was less of a season and more of a lifestyle.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / March 29, 2025

    “I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    5 Things to Bean at Your Frat Pledges Instead of Eggs

    Justin Bilenker / March 28, 2025

    Grocery prices have risen over the past few years, and thanks to a smidgen of bird flu, eggs are more expensive than ever, at almost $5 a dozen in Illinois. Scandalous! If you’re…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Acceptance Rate Falls Below 0%, Current Students Must Reapply

    Audrey Smith / March 27, 2025

    When you think about it from a mathematical standpoint, the hyperbolic decay function tells us that the shift into negative numbers was inevitable,” explained Ethan Chu, who majored in Applied Mathematics before he…

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  • Campus Life

    Another Woke Liberal Lie, Dining Hall French Fry Not Actually French

    Michael Wagner / March 24, 2025

    Some students demand the return of real fries, while others argue sweet potato fries are a gateway to dark cults like veganism.

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  • Campus Life

    UChicago Accidentally Sugars Campus Sidewalks Instead of Salting Them

    Sheep A. Doodle / March 21, 2025

    When confronted with our discovery, Bob Frost, a spokesperson for the task force, apologized for the mix-up. “Don’t be salty about it,” he pleaded. “If I gave you two buckets of white granular…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Freshman Discovers New Theorem Explaining Why You Always See Your Opps in A-Level

    Malhar Manek / March 16, 2025

    There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…

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  • Campus Life

    UChicago Launches Puppy Killing Prevention Institute, Funded by John D. PuppyKiller

    Samy Kouidri / March 15, 2025

    “While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.” 

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Breaking News: North Resident Transferred to I-House

    Andrea Zhou / March 14, 2025

    After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.

    read more
  • Campus Life

    “Who is Dean Boyer?” asks confused First Year

    Justin Bilenker / March 13, 2025

    “I just saw a Sidechat post about a bicycle. Who is Dean Boyer? Is he like a student or something?”

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
  • [Redacted] is the Best Fucking Frat at UChicago, in a Tolstoyan Sense
  • Non-political Maroon Article Gets View
  • OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
  • Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
  • Major League Baseball Removes Retired Number 42 After Trump Calls Out DEI Agenda
  • Study Finds Jesus’ Crucifixion Likely Hurt a Lot
  • UChicago Booth School of Business Suggests University Impose Tariffs on International Students
  • “The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
  • Eric M. Heath Accidentally Sends Safety Email to Hyde Park Crooks, Ne’er-do-wells

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