Campus Life
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Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher “Professor,” Dies of Shame
The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. “I hadn’t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,” Finklewhite said through…
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Heartwarming: SGFC Gives RSO $7.49 for Trip to Washington, D.C.
“We’d already tried a bake sale, a hot cocoa sale, a silent auction,” Poynting said. “We even sold tickets to our debate on energy policy! But we just weren’t raising money.” As a…
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Heartwarming: Student Saves World with Donation to Group Tabling in Reynolds
“The UChicago World-Saving Club’s mission is to save the world,” said Jamie “The Guy Who Was Tabling Last Week” Ulrich. “And we mean that literally. Like, an asteroid was hurtling towards Earth. We…
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University to Require Incoming Students to Sign Waiver to Use Cobb Staircase
Students call the policy “short-sighted” and “blame-shifting bullshit.” “A waiver’s not gonna fix the fact that you feel like you’re going to slip and die every time you have to run down the…
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I-House Bake Sale Raises Enough Money to Move Building Closer to Campus
Due to the runaway success of the recent I-House bake sale, the dorm has raised enough money to move their entire building into the Midway. The new location, right beside the Midway Skating…
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50 History Majors Agree to “Just Share” Required Textbook
This quarter, for her class “Early American Politics and Political Culture,” Rayner is trying a new policy. Each of her fifty students will get the Regenstein Library’s copy of the required textbook for…
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Applications Open for Admissions Office’s “Spontaneous University Compliment Squad”
According to an early version of the application, students selected for SUCS will download an app that allows tour guides to call groups of them to certain locations at a moment’s notice, where…
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Top Five Passive-Aggressive Stares to Give to Somone Eating Too Loudly in the Reg
They must be ignoring you. How else could they miss your second peek? Time to escalate. Drum your pencil on your notebook a little. Give them a taste of the pain they’re inflicting…
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University of Chicago Rolls Out New “Post-Mortem Education Continuity Plan”
Students enrolled in the PMECP can expect the same, if not greater, academic rigor in the afterlife as on the material plane. This will involve weekly problem sets, midterms, language requirements (all students…
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Heartwarming: North Resident Bravely Pulls Fire Alarm at 11 PM in Solidarity with Woodlawn
“I heard about the fire alarm incident at Woodlawn, and it hit a little too close to home,” said Higgins. “My grandmother died from fire alarm-induced hypothermia back in ‘09. The thought of…
