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REPORT: Botany Pond Reopens (Just Kidding)
“You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”
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Glow Party Ruined by Ring of People Exchanging SAT Scores
Many within the UChicago community were dismayed by the atmosphere of egotism and competition at the Glow Party. “This school used to be full of cool cats who just wanted to have a…
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Stunning: O-Week Friend Group Forms Bond That Will Last a Whole Two Weeks
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Evina Stromberg, a researcher who studies the social habits of first-years. “An O-Week friend group that lasts this long violates all known laws of physics.”
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Third Year Frat Brother Says He Majors in Bizcon “For the Children”
In a developing story coming out of Fiji House, frat brother Kyle Smith-Jones-Johnson III has announced that he will be majoring in business economics “for the children” (and for Goldman Sachs).
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Precocious First-Year Starts College with Opps Pre-Established
Remaining ahead of the curve, Foggarty has also made sure to develop more serious feuds in order to pre-empt any post-O-week enmity. According to an exclusive interview with the Dealer, Foggarty revealed that…
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O-Week Ball Pit Surprisingly Fun
The University describes the ball pit as “an epic mix of adventure, play, and adrenaline” that features friendly, familiar characters such as Batguy (no relation), Mikey Mouse (no relation), and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich…
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First-Year in SOSC Class Somehow Smarter Than Every Philosopher
HARPER 124 –18-year-old Don Sumbons, a first-year from Indiana, is apparently smarter than every single philosopher that he read in his section of Power, Identity, Resistance. Sumbons, who goes by “Donny Boy,” says…
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“Of Course I Drank in High School” Says First-Year Attempting to Open Beer
“Yeah, I drank a ton in high school,” Gibson said to a group that had gathered in the lounge, “I drank so much that vodka came out of my eyes. That’s a thing…
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UChicago Gifts Chilean Government With Giant Wooden Horse as Token of Friendship
This past Monday, the University of Chicago gifted the nation of Chile a token of friendship and goodwill, a giant wooden horse. The so-called “Friedman-Becker Memorial Horse of Democracy and Free Trade” will…
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Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables
UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.
