Everyone Saw You Press “No Tip”

Everyone in the café—baristas, people waiting behind you in line, and even the student pretending to do work on their laptop—saw you press “No Tip” on the iPad. So what do you do now? How do you escape this social disaster? We suggest the following strategies: 

1. Justify 

Explain that you pressed “No Tip” as a bold statement against the exploitation of workers at the hands of the bourgeoisie and the injustice of the wage system. Workers deserve fair salaries, not reliance on tips. Pump your fist in the air in solidarity and pray that the barista doesn’t spit in your matcha latte. 

2. Confusion 

“That wasn’t a performance review? I thought I was selecting ‘no tip’ as in ‘no tips needed,’ you were fabulous!” 

3. Reverse the Blame 

You spelled my name wrong on the cup! It’s not Brittney, it’s Brytnee. No, I don’t think that’s a reasonable mistake, actually. 

4. Diversion 

Point at the door and scream, “OH MY GOD, BEYONCÉ!?” Then sprint for the nearest exit. Unfortunately, you will not receive your coffee. A worthy sacrifice. 

5. Dispense Wisdom 

Maybe the real tip is the friends we made along the way. 

6. Religious Awakening 

Explain that frugality is an essential step on the path to enlightenment. By not tipping, you are encouraging non-attachment to material possessions in order to achieve liberation of the spirit, thereby freeing the mind from greed and selfishness. Shavasana, baby.