UChicago Unveils More Convenient Fourth Meal Dining Plan in the Loop

Last night, the University of Chicago officially unveiled its revamped late-night, fourth meal dining options in an effort to be more accommodating. Starting at 10:00 pm, the offices inside the Gleacher Center in downtown Chicago will be serving chips and cookies to all students until they run out. 

First-year Harold Houdine, who lives in I-House, told the Dealer that “this new plan is actually pretty good. At least I don’t have to fucking walk to Baker.” Not everyone was as positive. Third-year Jeremiah Jingle-Heimer II told the Dealer that he was disappointed: “I was really hoping there’d be bagels.” 

Some students pointed out that shuttles taking them to the Gleacher Center have been delayed. The Dealer spoke to representatives from the administration who had pitched the new plan, eager to hear their plans to fix these logistical issues. One said, “Ah. We didn’t think of that. Well, that sucks for them,” as she bit into a bagel, which she told us cost $22.00. “Inflation has really hit everybody hard. That’s why we only bought three dozen cookies, which should be enough.”

It was enough for twelve starving second-years. However, on the second day of the experiment, the same twelve second-years arrived only to find the cookies and chips had been eaten. We interviewed one employee at the Gleacher Center, who told us they were ecstatic to see treats in the break room. 

The administrators are workshopping new solutions around the clock. “We have this clock on our floor. Sometimes we move the hands. It’s really fun!” 

About the Gleacher Center policy, one spokesperson told the Dealer, “If that doesn’t work, we might just shut it down.” When pressed to propose an alternative plan, he too bit into his dinner, a falafel pita. 

“Have you tried this pita? It’s only $35.00.”