FLORENCE, 1527 \u2013 Following their recent exile from the city of Florence, many have assumed that the de\u2019 Medici family have been spending all their time sitting on their massive piles of money as they plot their grand return to the city. But according to inside sources, the formidable dynasty plans to consolidate its power in a different way: by opening a restaurant\/bakery in a location known only as \u201cHyde Park, Chicago.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A source close to the de\u2019 Medici\u2019s gave the following account of their activities: \u201cAlessandro, the patriarch, has been in the kitchens for hours every day, trying to perfect something he\u2019s calling a \u2018hamburger\u2019 \u2013 a slab of meat between two slices of bread. Meanwhile, his son Giulio has been down at the ports to ask all the returning sailors if they have yet found this strange, faraway \u2018Hyde Park\u2019 in the country of \u2018Chicago.\u2019 I tell you, they are plotting something!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To determine the truth of these rumors, our reporter went undercover as a statue in the de\u2019 Medici garden, where she was able to observe Alessandro de\u2019 Medici commissioning a sculpture of a gargoyle eating bread. de\u2019 Medici said the gargoyle would be \u201cthe perfect mascot for our new\u2026 project\u2026\u201d before reassuring the sculptor that he would not be murdered upon completing his work. Our condolences to the family, and to the city of Florence, for the evil plot that shall surely spell its doom.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Following their recent exile from the city of Florence, many have assumed that the de\u2019 Medici family have been spending all their time sitting on their massive piles of money as they plot their grand return to the city. But according to inside sources, the formidable dynasty plans to consolidate its power in a different way: by opening a restaurant\/bakery in a location known only as \u201cHyde Park, Chicago.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2090,"featured_media":7706,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,18,17],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7704","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-historical-issue","category-off-campus-life","category-world-affairs"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7704","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2090"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7704"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7704\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7707,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7704\/revisions\/7707"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7706"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7704"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7704"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7704"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}