January 7, 1833<\/p>\n\n\n\n
America, we really have to up our game. In the nation of guns, guns and more guns, we\u2019ve been falling behind. Three! Three separate assassination attempts, all of which have missed. I, Gun Gunlier, of the American Gun Association, come to you from the times of the Dust Bowl and seriously believe that we can do better. Surely in the annals of our history there are some<\/em> lessons to be learned and teachings to be followed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n First, a lesson from that James Kirk sound-alike: Make sure you\u2019re recorded! And that you get him after a catchy line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Second, as we learned from Jr\u2019s assasination: Name an airport after him. This will ensure<\/em> he dies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Third, as we learned from ol\u2019 Martin: Get the CIA to do it. They\u2019ll be successful, and no one will believe them even when they say it in court.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Fourth, as we learned from that Mister Smith: Try a mob! Many successful assassinations have been performed by mobs. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Fifth: Get the target in a location where you\u2019re supposed to have a gun, like the play Abe Lincoln was watching at Ford\u2019s Theater!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Sixth: Get a paid hitman to do it! The Dark Web\u2019s right there waiting for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Seventh: Have you heard of the molassacre? Even the bodyguards can\u2019t protect you from that!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Eighth: Try scaring the living daylings out of him. Maybe with a spider?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ninth: Take him camping! Who knows what could happen there in the woods. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And Tenth: don\u2019t forget to accuse a pasty to take the fall for you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n That\u2019s all for now, folks! <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In the nation of guns, guns and more guns, we\u2019ve been falling behind. Three! Three separate assassination attempts, all of which have missed. I, Gun Gunlier, of the American Gun Association, come to you from the times of the Dust Bowl and seriously believe that we can do better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2090,"featured_media":7687,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7686","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-historical-issue","category-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7686","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2090"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7686"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7686\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7688,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7686\/revisions\/7688"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7687"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7686"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7686"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7686"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}