PEARLY GATES\u2014The afterlife has been thrown into turmoil following the abrupt announcement that the Kingdom of Heaven would be shutting its doors to new arrivals for the foreseeable future to account for \u201cdesperately needed renovations.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Souls who made their way to the Pearly Gates were greeted by a sign bearing the words \u201cSORRY, CLOSED \ud83d\ude41 GO 2 LIMBO PLS\u201d in chalk. Beside the sign stood a cardboard cutout of Saint Peter, which periodically shook its head and pointed in the approximate direction of Limbo, using Heaven magic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe thank everyone for their patience as we undertake this vital maintenance work,\u201d said the real Saint Peter in a statement to the Dealer<\/em>. \u201cWe know that many of our customers have spent years or even centuries in Purgatory purifying their souls in expectation of admittance into the Kingdom of the Lord, and we understand the frustration that this additional delay will bring about.\u201d He added that Limbo staff had installed a watery soda fountain and a slightly tilted foosball table to help guests pass the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Affected souls who spoke with the Dealer<\/em> expressed their eagerness to finally reach their eternal home. \u201cI pray they finish the work soon,\u201d said Irene Dumont, dead. \u201cI\u2019ve heard that in Heaven, the squirrels are as big as elephants, and the elephants fit in the palm of your hand. Oh goodness, how I long to see that! Sometimes the palm elephants shoot jellies and jams out of their trunks as well. When I get to Heaven, that\u2019s the only thing I will ever eat.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThis shit sucks!\u201d said Adrian Malloy, extra dead. \u201cI been waiting an awful long time for this and now they\u2019re doing \u2018maintenance\u2019? Gimme a break! And how come all the people already in there get to stay inside during the work? Don\u2019t make a lick of sense to me, no sir.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n No sooner had Malloy finished speaking than a thunderous voice reverberated through the ceiling of Limbo. \u201cBuddy, you just earned yourself an afterlifetime supply of pain and torment,\u201d boomed the voice. \u201cHope you like it hot, \u2018cause your sorry ass is going straight to Hell. Zing! Wait, how is that not the right button? Shit, Gladys! Gladys, get over here. Gladys, which button is it for the Hell thing? No, I tried that one. No, not\u2014fuck, OK. No, no, just forget about it. Just\u2014I\u2019m going out for a smoke. OK. OK, Gladys. Yeah, OK.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Souls who made their way to the Pearly Gates were greeted by a sign bearing the words \u201cSORRY, CLOSED \ud83d\ude41 GO 2 LIMBO PLS\u201d in chalk. Beside the sign stood a cardboard cutout of Saint Peter, which periodically shook its head and pointed in the approximate direction of Limbo, using Heaven magic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2089,"featured_media":7622,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8,27],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7621","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lifestyle","category-oh-the-places-youll-go-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7621","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2089"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7621"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7621\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7623,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7621\/revisions\/7623"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7622"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7621"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7621"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7621"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}