{"id":7594,"date":"2026-05-06T09:08:00","date_gmt":"2026-05-06T14:08:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=7594"},"modified":"2026-05-03T21:10:53","modified_gmt":"2026-05-04T02:10:53","slug":"student-accidentally-calls-former-second-grade-teacher-professor-dies-of-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2026\/05\/06\/student-accidentally-calls-former-second-grade-teacher-professor-dies-of-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"Student Accidentally Calls Former Second-Grade Teacher \u201cProfessor,\u201d Dies of Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>It is with great sorrow that the <em>Dealer<\/em> reports the passing of third-year Miles Cavendish owing to a lethal excess of shame after accidentally calling his former second-grade teacher, Helen Finklewhite, \u201cProfessor.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. \u201cI hadn\u2019t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,\u201d Finklewhite said through tears. He replied, \u2018Hi, Professor Finklewhite.\u2019 And that\u2026 that was when Miles turned dangerously red. I asked if he was all right, but he just stood there, frozen with embarrassment, as his face grew redder and redder. He collapsed a minute later.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Student Wellness has launched a new initiative entitled \u201cElementary School Teachers Are Not Professors\u201d to prevent future disasters. Students will be shown photos of elementary school teachers and given electric shocks whenever they accidentally refer to them as \u201cprofessor.\u201d The University is proud to offer its support in this trying time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The accident occurred at the Target in Pepper Pike, Ohio, while Cavendish was visiting home. \u201cI hadn\u2019t seen Miles in years, so I went up to him and said hello,\u201d Finklewhite said through tears. He replied, \u2018Hi, Professor Finklewhite.\u2019 And that\u2026 that was when Miles turned dangerously red. I asked if he was all right, but he just stood there, frozen with embarrassment, as his face grew redder and redder. He collapsed a minute later.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2090,"featured_media":7595,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7594","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life","category-lifestyle"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7594","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2090"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7594"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7594\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7596,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7594\/revisions\/7596"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7595"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7594"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7594"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7594"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}