{"id":7510,"date":"2026-03-29T10:03:00","date_gmt":"2026-03-29T15:03:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=7510"},"modified":"2026-03-27T13:05:40","modified_gmt":"2026-03-27T18:05:40","slug":"student-killed-by-roommates-anthropomorphic-lamp","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2026\/03\/29\/student-killed-by-roommates-anthropomorphic-lamp\/","title":{"rendered":"Student killed by Roommate\u2019s Anthropomorphic Lamp"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p>Horrific news! First-year Jenny Wagner was found dead in her room. Her roommate stumbled upon the scene after returning from class. The culprit? An anthropomorphic lamp Wagner\u2019s roommate bought just last week, which has two legs and a lampshade for a head.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Through tears, Wagner\u2019s roommate said, \u201cThe lamp\u2014it was just something I found on Amazon. I didn\u2019t think it had violent tendencies. The reviews were good\u2026 four and a half stars, rounding up.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Meanwhile, Wagner\u2019s neighbors say they never suspected the lamp. It always sat sullen on the stack of books on her roommate\u2019s nightstand. It\u2019s good to remember that it\u2019s always the quiet ones that get you.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Still, the item has yet to be flagged on Amazon. Wagner\u2019s roommate hopes to change that, by sending angry DMs to Jeff Bezos on Instagram. (Though she secretly still has the lamp by her side each night.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>If there is one silver lining, it\u2019s that Jenny won\u2019t have to take her finals! So, if you\u2019re worried about your upcoming final exams, make sure to buy a suspiciously shaped, clearly anthropomorphic lamp on Amazon! (Their murderous leanings come with the package.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Through tears, Wagner\u2019s roommate said, \u201cThe lamp\u2014it was just something I found on Amazon. I didn\u2019t think it had violent tendencies. The reviews were good\u2026 four and a half stars, rounding up.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2090,"featured_media":7511,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7510","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7510","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2090"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7510"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7510\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7512,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7510\/revisions\/7512"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7511"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7510"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7510"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7510"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}