In a shocking discovery that has rocked exactly one household, the Del Toro family are the final Americans remaining who still light Advent candles at home, making them the nation\u2019s sole defenders against the total collapse of liturgical seasonal decor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWe thought everyone still did it,\u201d said matriarch Maria Del Toro, carefully arranging three purple candles and one pink candle in preparation for the weekly arguments about who gets to light them, \u201cYou know, Advent? The reason for the season? The weekly flames? Turns out all the neighbors thought our table centerpiece was a fire hazard.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAdvent candles held strong through the 1980s, but the rise of LED Christmas villages and aggressively secular \u2018holiday countdown calendars\u2019 wiped them out,\u201d explained Dr. Henry Carmichael, liturgical expert at the Chicago Theological Seminary. \u201cThe Del Toros are a living fossil. Like a Roman Catholic Megalodon.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The blow hit harder following this year\u2019s update from the Vatican: The Three Kings will once again not<\/em> be arriving at the Del Toro household on Epiphany.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe\u2019ve been told to expect shipping delays, supply chain issues, or possibly for the Magi to simply decide Los Angeles traffic isn\u2019t worth it,\u201d said father Juan Del Toro, who will still leave a shoe in the window on January 4th \u201cjust in case.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Meanwhile, neighbors remain confused. \u201cI thought they were doing a weekly candlelit s\u00e9ance,\u201d said next-door resident and self-identified spiritual-but-not-religious guy Parker Greene. \u201cSometimes they sing. Sometimes they argue about which candle comes when. I figured it was a seasonal ritual to summon good vibes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Despite the challenges, the Del Toros vow to continue their tradition. <\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cEven if we are the last,\u201d Maria said, lighting the first purple candle with the solemnity of a woman trying not to burn her knuckles, \u201cAdvent means preparing a place for hope, peace, joy, and love. And also explaining to our kids every year that the Three Kings are symbolic, not literal houseguests who forgot our address.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n In related news, Amazon has reported a sudden spike in searches for \u201cWhat is Advent?\u201d \u201cWhy one pink candle?\u201d and \u201cThree Kings Uber ETA.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cWe thought everyone still did it,\u201d said matriarch Maria Del Toro, carefully arranging three purple candles and one pink candle in preparation for the weekly arguments about who gets to light them, \u201cYou know, Advent? The reason for the season? The weekly flames? Turns out all the neighbors thought our table centerpiece was a fire hazard.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2090,"featured_media":7364,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7363","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7363","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2090"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7363"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7363\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7365,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7363\/revisions\/7365"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7364"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7363"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7363"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7363"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}