Tragedy has cast a pall over UChicago\u2019s recent rise to #6 on US News\u2019 Best Colleges Ranking. Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful students of Northwestern University, who published a video showing Phil bound to a chair in a dimly lit room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cSKREEE! SKREEE! SKREEE!\u201d Phil says in the video. Due to recent budget cuts to the Department of Mythical Avian Languages, the University had to rely on the notoriously unreliable Phoenix-to-English Google Translate to understand what Phil was saying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
The online tool offered two possibilities: \u201cTell US News to do a recount before it\u2019s too late!\u201d or \u201cI am taking the orange crocodile to the beach!\u201d The University is opting for the second translation and has invited Northwestern\u2019s students to bring their orange crocodiles to Promontory Point on Saturday to negotiate Phil\u2019s release. At press time, Northwestern has not replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The University is urging its students to remain calm. At a Phree Phil vigil Wednesday night, Alivisatos told the crowds, \u201cRest assured that the University is doing all it can to bring our beloved Phil home.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
An unidentified student then interrupted Alivisatos, shouting, \u201cEven if it means letting Northwestern have the #6 spot?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Alivisatos\u2019s face flushed red in what his office later explained was an act of solidarity with the phoenix community. After stuttering incomprehensibly for a few seconds, he finally replied, \u201cLook, we aren\u2019t sure that\u2019s what Phil was really saying, all right? And even if we\u2019re using the wrong translation, what can Northwestern do to Phil, anyway? Worst case scenario, he\u2019ll just be reborn from his own ashes! They clearly didn\u2019t think this plan through, the pompous little snotballs. But then again, we can\u2019t be too hard on them. They are <\/em>only the #7 university in the nation, after all.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful students of Northwestern University, who published a video showing Phil bound to a chair in a dimly lit room.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2090,"featured_media":4453,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13,30],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7320","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life","category-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7320","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2090"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7320"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7320\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7322,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7320\/revisions\/7322"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4453"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7320"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7320"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7320"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}