{"id":7194,"date":"2025-07-24T13:53:13","date_gmt":"2025-07-24T18:53:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=7194"},"modified":"2025-07-24T13:53:13","modified_gmt":"2025-07-24T18:53:13","slug":"5-tips-to-make-sure-youre-the-kings-top-mistress","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2025\/07\/24\/5-tips-to-make-sure-youre-the-kings-top-mistress\/","title":{"rendered":"5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King\u2019s Top Mistress"},"content":{"rendered":"

May 5th, 1756<\/span><\/p>\n

VERSAILLES\u2014Life in the royal court isn\u2019t easy, especially in this day and age. With more and more courtesans vying to be the top mistress for His Royal Highness himself, it’s getting harder and harder to get face-to-face time with the King. Here are a few quick tips to help you stand out from the pack.<\/span><\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Powder your nose: There\u2019s nothing hotter than a woman with a really white, powdery nose. In fact, why not powder your whole face and body while you\u2019re at it? You can make it look like Versailles was just hit by a snowstorm.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n
  2. Get close with the King\u2019s mom: Everyone knows that the key to a man\u2019s heart is through his mother. Drop some hints about your impeccable manners to make it clear you\u2019d be a great unofficial royal daughter-in-law.<\/span><\/li>\n
  3. Get close with the King\u2019s sister: due to inbreeding, this is the same person as the king\u2019s mom, so it should be pretty easy to do both. Three cheers for efficiency!<\/span><\/li>\n
  4. Wear a really tight corset: The King loves a lady with a small waist who also can\u2019t breathe. Judith Butler? I hardly know her.<\/span><\/li>\n
  5. Have a good catchphrase: Let\u2019s be honest, you\u2019re never going to come up with a catchphrase as pithy as \u201clet them eat cake,\u201d but you can always come up with something else. How about \u201cLet Them Eat Lobster\u201d? That hasn\u2019t been done before.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    “1. Powder your nose: There\u2019s nothing hotter than a woman with a really white, powdery nose.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7195,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7194","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-historical-issue"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7194","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7194"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7194\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7196,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7194\/revisions\/7196"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7195"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7194"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7194"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7194"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}