{"id":7152,"date":"2025-06-12T16:07:25","date_gmt":"2025-06-12T21:07:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=7152"},"modified":"2025-06-12T16:07:25","modified_gmt":"2025-06-12T21:07:25","slug":"uchicago-admin-in-panic-mode-after-mysterious-disappearance-of-the-vitality-crystals","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2025\/06\/12\/uchicago-admin-in-panic-mode-after-mysterious-disappearance-of-the-vitality-crystals\/","title":{"rendered":"UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">LEVI HALL\u2014University administrators are reportedly in a state of panic following the inexplicable disappearance of UChicago\u2019s treasured Vitality Crystals.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The disappearance, which has not been confirmed publicly, was reported to <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Dealer<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> by three sources with knowledge of the situation. \u201cWe don\u2019t know where the crystals are,\u201d said one of these individuals, who spoke on condition of anonymity. \u201cWe don\u2019t know where they are. We don\u2019t know. We don\u2019t fucking know. We don\u2019t know where the Vitality Crystals are. We don\u2019t know. We don\u2019t know where they are. We don\u2019t. We don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Another of the three confirmed that there were as yet no leads as to where the Vitality Crystals might have gone, adding, \u201cMy God, my God, why have you forsaken me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Vitality Crystals, long seen as the key to UChicago\u2019s continued existence, are stored in a highly secure location known only to a small number of University Trustees. The<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Dealer<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u2019s sources speculated that the thief may have been someone who is good at guessing where things are and who knows how to pick locks and things like that.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The<\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Dealer<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, \u201cNo! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can\u2019t hear you, leave me alone!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Without the Vitality Crystals, experts believe the University and everyone associated with it may crumble into an enormous pile of damp sand, or that all the buildings may go wobbly. \u201cWe\u2019ll just have to see what happens,\u201d said Hipple Zazzag, the University\u2019s Chief Sorcerer.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">At press time, the Mist of Ill Fortune was rolling across campus, while the entire student body was overheard moaning uncontrollably.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, \u201cNo! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can\u2019t hear you, leave me alone!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2089,"featured_media":7153,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-7152","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7152","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2089"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7152"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7152\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7154,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7152\/revisions\/7154"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7153"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7152"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7152"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7152"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}