{"id":6964,"date":"2025-03-20T15:51:50","date_gmt":"2025-03-20T20:51:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6964"},"modified":"2025-03-11T13:00:57","modified_gmt":"2025-03-11T18:00:57","slug":"rfk-jr-launches-promotional-tour-for-polio-its-really-not-that-bad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2025\/03\/20\/rfk-jr-launches-promotional-tour-for-polio-its-really-not-that-bad\/","title":{"rendered":"RFK Jr. Launches Promotional Tour for Polio: \u201cIt\u2019s Really Not That Bad!\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

WASHINGTON \u2013 Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced this morning that he will be touring the country to persuade the nation that polio, the debilitating disease that famously affected Franklin D. Roosevelt and placed thousands of people in iron lungs, is actually less worrisome than previously thought.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s all about branding,\u201d Kennedy said when asked how he conceptualized this tour. \u201cPolio\u2019s gotten such a bad rap in the past, and that\u2019s really hindered its ability to appeal to the average consumer. I\u2019ve carefully crafted this tour to emphasize all the fun and cool things polio has to offer.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When asked to elaborate, Kennedy mumbled something about needing to consult with his brain worm. \u201c[The tour is] its brainchild, you see. I do as the worm commands.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The tour will reportedly feature musical numbers with full choreography, although a leaked video of a rehearsal has not inspired confidence in Kennedy\u2019s sick moves. He has also started taking ventriloquy lessons in order to perform a comedy sketch featuring an Iron Lung puppet, which will be available as part of the official tour merch.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI strongly believe in giving second chances,\u201d the failed animal control officer declared, \u201cjust like I gave that bear carcass a second chance to be a Central Park decoration. Polio shouldn\u2019t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

When asked whether this tour could convince them that withdrawing approval for the polio vaccine is actually a smart decision, nine out of ten doctors said, \u201cWhat the fuck kind of question is that? I don\u2019t care how they <\/span>market <\/span><\/i>it, polio is a horrific disease and the vaccine has saved millions of lives.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The tenth doctor, Ronny Jackson, ranted about how President Trump was much smarter than poliovirus and how the vaccine was a Russian hoax until our reporter was forced to end the interview.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The \u201cPolio: A New Breath\u201d tour will be coming to a city near you starting this March. Presale tickets will be available through Ticketmaster on February 15th, so mark your calendars and get ready to be paralyzed with excitement!<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Polio shouldn\u2019t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2089,"featured_media":6965,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6964","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6964","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2089"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6964"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6964\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6966,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6964\/revisions\/6966"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6965"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6964"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6964"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6964"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}