{"id":6703,"date":"2024-10-12T11:22:47","date_gmt":"2024-10-12T16:22:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6703"},"modified":"2024-10-12T11:22:47","modified_gmt":"2024-10-12T16:22:47","slug":"report-botany-pond-reopens-just-kidding","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2024\/10\/12\/report-botany-pond-reopens-just-kidding\/","title":{"rendered":"REPORT: Botany Pond Reopens (Just Kidding)"},"content":{"rendered":"

University of Chicago administrators have just confirmed, and then subsequently denied, that the beloved Botany Pond has finally reopened.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Botany Pond, one of the most hallowed places of learning on campus, has been undergoing construction for the past three years. While it was open, it was a world-class botanical facility, doubling as an outdoor classroom and a home for flora and fauna from across the globe.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

At a black-tie press conference Saturday, Director of Botany Pond Improvement Matters, Terry Mosser (previously of Big Terry\u2019s Fishtanks, A\/C installation, and Accident Attorney), addressed an assembly of donors, who were hopeful that their vast contributions to the University\u2019s pond had finally come to fruition. \u201cI know many of you have heard that Botany Pond is set to open tonight,\u201d Mosser said. \u201cAnd I\u2019m here to tell you, it is.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The crowd began to applaud.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNOT!\u201d exclaimed Terry, ripping off his tuxedo to reveal a muscle tee that read \u201cBP 4Ever.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou idiots think we\u2019re done with this thing?\u201d shouted Mosser, \u201cHell no, we haven\u2019t even started on the waterslide system yet!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When asked for comment on the hullabaloo, Mosser told the <\/span>Dealer, <\/span><\/i>\u201cWell, am I sorry? Not quite. It ended up being pretty funny. However, I am realizing that the costs of our black-tie festivities were a bit higher than anticipated, not least due to me being scammed by a crooked ice sculptor. With these developments, we may have to delay the opening for another six months from whenever we thought we were going to open the pond.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Outside of the pond, there is currently a bucket labeled \u201cPond fund. Plz give.\u201d At the moment of writing, this bucket only contains soda cans and Pret wrappers.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Although President Paul Alivasatos bolted from the room when he heard the words \u201cBotany Pond,\u201d we were able to catch Director of Campus Facilities Bobby Sampton to get more insight on the University\u2019s plan. \u201cWell, I can\u2019t comment on the developments of Botany Pond,\u201d said Sampton. \u201cBut,\u201d he said with a grin, reaching into a drawer, \u201cI <\/span>can<\/span><\/i> say that Terry gave me this wonderful limited-edition duck plushie.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

We also spoke to ecology Professor Diane Flemmings. \u201cWell, I suppose Terry seems to have it under control,\u201d she said, \u201cHe says as soon as they put in the hot tub and the diving board they\u2019ll be ready to open. I\u2019ve actually been caring for quite a few of the displaced ducks and plants myself, in my personal home.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

She sighed. \u201cIt\u2019s been a little chaotic, but I\u2019m happy to contribute however I can. I really believe in the pond. I think it\u2019s going to be okay. That\u2019s what I tell myself.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

To donate to this soon-to-be oasis of learning, consider venmoing @muscleterrysbeerfund71\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cYou idiots think we\u2019re done with this thing?\u201d shouted Mosser, \u201cHell no, we haven\u2019t even started on the waterslide system yet!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2080,"featured_media":6704,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6703","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6703","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2080"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6703"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6703\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6705,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6703\/revisions\/6705"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6704"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6703"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6703"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6703"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}