{"id":6602,"date":"2024-04-07T12:55:49","date_gmt":"2024-04-07T17:55:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/?p=6602"},"modified":"2025-01-02T12:03:20","modified_gmt":"2025-01-02T18:03:20","slug":"hallowed-replaces-decadent-pool-tables-with-wholesome-edifying-billiards-tables","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/2024\/04\/07\/hallowed-replaces-decadent-pool-tables-with-wholesome-edifying-billiards-tables\/","title":{"rendered":"Hallowed Replaces Decadent Pool Tables With Wholesome, Edifying Billiards Tables"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">REYNOLDS CLUB\u2013 UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Students cheered as the pool tables, monuments to man\u2019s bottomless depravity which had so long polluted the University\u2019s moral atmosphere, were at last removed. As men with large, shapely arms tossed the tables into a raging bonfire outside Hutchinson Commons, onlookers broke into shouts including, \u201cThe wages of sin is death!\u201d and \u201cHie thee to hell, Satan!\u201d and \u201cAbout time, I say!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIt\u2019s really great to see the student community taking a stand against this kind of hideous moral corruption,\u201d said third-year Sylvia Wadsworth. \u201cPeople try to downplay the dangers of pool, but it\u2019s a real gateway. I know at least twenty people who started out playing pool and wound up selling Ouija boards and heroin to troubled youths. Hopefully the new billiards tables will get them back on the path of God.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cI really think you\u2019re going to see a more virtuous, God-fearing student body from now on,\u201d said fourth-year Ezekiel Splunk. \u201cThere is nothing that delights the Devil more than a group of young people gathered around a pool table, and nothing that fills him with more terror and fury than to see those same young people joined in righteous communion around a billiards table. Those six pockets in that old pool table were his hiding place, and I can tell you right now, there\u2019s no hiding anymore.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Riding a wave of elation following their triumph over the forces of debauchery, the students brainstormed other ways of cleansing Hallowed of the stench of iniquity, such as banning card games, discontinuing the sale of iced beverages, and purchasing a set of boys\u2019 marching band equipment from a fast-talking traveling salesman from Gary, Indiana.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>UChicago students were delighted on Wednesday as Hallowed Grounds replaced its decadent, licentious pool tables with wholesome, edifying billiards tables.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2089,"featured_media":6603,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6602","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-campus-life"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6602","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2089"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6602"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6602\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6872,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6602\/revisions\/6872"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6603"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6602"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6602"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chicagoshadydealer.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6602"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}